scared off ~!~

you weren't scared away

when the rest were

same old same old ~!~

i thought maybe this winter would be different
maybe people had grown up
gotten over their fears of leaving
of being adventurous
taking chances, taking risks
living

but i was wrong
they all remain homebodies
to frightened to venture out into the world
terrified to bend the rules
to have one night in a place unfamiliar
with plans not entirely formulated

too scared to truly live

the future ~!~

sometimes i look into the future
and see hope
excitement
everything working out
working itself out
things progressing
improving

then other days the views bleak
everything slowly disintegrating
one
by
one
the result: solitude
all that is right at this moment
somehow collapsing

gone

then the sun rises
and the future once again seems promising

another sleepless night ~!~

there's always this issue
this one issue
i face every time i return home

the inability to fall asleep

watching the daily sunrise
mind racing
restless sleep when it occurs

there's something in this house
which will not allow me to sleep

it's always been here
ever since i was younger

my sleep was bad at school
it;s much worse here

six weeks ~!~

and so the six dullest weeks of the year arrive
winter break

back to the homeland
with late night television sessions
no car
little chance to escape
no money, no job
little adventures
people that refuse to leave their houses
people that refuse to bend the rules

back to the land where no one wishes to do anything
aside from stay home and obey

away from all the people i wish i could spend the break with

satisfaction ~!~

finally and truly happy
content
satisfied
ecstatic
about life, and the state of things within my own

memories of the bad times of the start of this year
disappearing
swifter by the day

just how the memories of the previous semester vanished

images to go with the recollection unable to be brought to mind

details fading

emotions fading

ready to suppressed

replaced

with the better memories that will be occurring

but along with the bad 

the good are also fading

at a slower rate, but they will go soon enough

only to remain at the back of my mind

as vague recollections occasionally able to be brought into my mind

sleep paralysis ~!~

the mind starts to drift to sleep
the world is getting fuzzy, dulled
the mind is in transition to the dream world
then mid journey simply halts

left in a daze the body is unable to move
eyes refuse to open
a scream cannot escape the mouth

a terrifying couple minutes pass
paralysed in fear unable to utter even a cry

then suddenly the body jolts awake
muscles begin to work
eyes bolt open

after a brief period of recovery the sleep process resumes
and the cycle continues
drift to sleep
paralysis
fear
awake
sleep
paralysis
fear
awake

cycles ~!~

looking to the past
new faces every few months
a couple remain the same
while some only appear every now and then

different groups
different connections
on different levels

people come, people go
those that stay are who matter most

that time of year again ~!~

spent half the money i have buying christmas presents

the only time of year i spend money on such things
and it's not even for myself

there's some satisfaction i achieve from giving to others
i actually enjoy picking out presents for other people
which is strange, because i normally hate shopping
and spending money

oh well
bitches better like yo presents

nothing ~!~

you are nothing
to me
to my present
my past
my future

erasing all memories of what once was
it meant nothing
was nothing
in essence, it was all a lie

what we have now means absolutely nothing
using you for monetary values at this point
you're opinion on my life
on me
is unimportant
your contribution to life
conversational
physical
friendship wise
is no longer there
you are a means to an end
and that ends is a salary

i think i may have found someone who fulfills your niche
but in doing so actually completes his job
and does not merely pretend he has done such
simply put an an act that deems so
but actually, truly does as he says

problem ~!~

i have a problem
i have a serious problem

okay
not really
not life threatening

though everyone may believe it to be such

this habit of mine
in which i'm able to go through with everytime i'm alone

it will leave me with scars
and memories of these nights
but never anything that will actually maim me in a serious manner


i need to stop
but i don't now how


and when anyone else notices it becomes a huge deal
and yet it is not

not at all

people exhibit this behavior in a variety of ways
and yet mine is one of the most frowned upon
the most "there is something wrong with you"

but that is incorrect
there may be things wrong with me
but no worse than anyone else out there


so fuck you if you wish you wish to judge the ways in which i deal with my issues

i'm doing what i understand
and work with best

alone ~!~

it's when i'm alone everything falls apart
regret

regret for tomorrow

for days to come

destruction

to no one else but myself

only alone

never with strangers

friends

the person who bothered to stick around

i'm dangerous when i'm alone

the one thing i hate most

school work ~?~

i've forgotten what it feels like to be a productive student
i cannot even bring myself to attend class

accomplish my readings on time

study for exams

put forth any effort towards anything class related

it all began in high school

when i discovered i could get by by doing almost nothing

and simply got worse in college

when the realization that i could do even less dawned on me

those classes are began skipping freshman year grew

and once you head down that path there is no recovering

i grew accustomed to staying out all night

accomplishing minimal school work during the afternoon

and never, never attending class

i feel that this is something i should fix

and yet every night i tell myself i will attend class the next day

the morning comes, but i never reach the classroom

the other night ~!~

made me recognize how lucky i am to be alive
how many stupid decisions my friends and i make on a weekly basis

there has been one too many nights where i woke up the next morning wondering how i was still there?


is this a sign that i'm not meant to leave this earth young?
or will my luck run out soon?

one of those days ~!~

where i love myself
accept myself
generally feel hopeful about the future
and simply enjoy the small things in life

tonight will be an excellent night
of that i am sure

the wrong men ~!~

i have a knack for going after the wrong men
whether they demand too much from me
want less than i do
are too broken, destroyed to be there
or are already taken
i find every sort of man that is not right for me

hopefully soon i'll find one where things will actually work out

hate being alone ~!~

i despise being alone
sleeping alone

i long for someone to cuddle with nightly
to snuggle up and just talk to for hours

it's been awhile since i've had that
and i feel this immense desire for company
is clouding my judgement

influencing me to use others to rid myself of this prolonged loneliness

i haven't changed ~!~

my views of relationships
sleeping around
dating
have changed significantly since last year

and yet, i am not acting on these changed thoughts

i am continuing on as i have been for the past three years

i don't wish to

but i've forgotten how to go about this any other way

dead to all ~!~

you're dead to the world
and i am not the only one to notice

you only allow those few in nowadays
and apparently i don't constitute as one of those

you're dead to the world
to all of your friends
and dead to me

jealous ~!~

i cannot help but be envious of her
you two have grown closer than you and i have
and yet we have more history
have known each other longer

it seems that after all the hard times we had
the rough nights
the anger, the upsetness
you distanced yourself nearly entirely
and consumed the time once spent with me with her

if you don't want to hang out with me
and would rather engulf your time with her than go right ahead
you don't deserve my time anyways

what's happening ~!~

i can't even bring myself to be mad right now
i feel so good
so happy
like myself again

this weekend was what i needed
even with all the bailouts by flaky friends couldn't bring me down
the people i was with was all i needed

what you are ~!~

you're just a fucking pussy
that's all you ever were

why did i waste my fucking time with you?

furthering the distance ~!~

you're rarely around as it is
i see you once every couple of days
hear from you when i put forth the effort

and when i try and communicate my stresses
problems
to you
you dismiss them, as if nothing
and move onto some other subject
avoiding the situation all together

i used to confide in you
almost everything on my mind
now it's as if you only want me around
when i'm up
but never down

the ups come with the downs
i'm an entire package
you can't pick and choose

this feeling ~!~

and i have this feeling
you just don't care anymore

a superficial friendship
around for the good
flee from the bad

so, i'll be distancing myself
i don't need your type of friendship

selfish asshole ~!~

so, the conversations of last night
or moreso my ramblings
and racing thoughts
have led me to uncover many truths about myself
and those around me

i have learned
or moreso realized
that everything i dislike
and am annoyed with in others, and the world
i turn upon myself
and into the hating, and anger i have towards me
instead of reacting upon what i despise in the outside world

i have also come to the conclusion
that some of those close to me
and those that used to be
are in fact selfish assholes

people that pretend to be interested in your life
pretend to care
pretend to be loyal and honest
when really they are merely out for themselves
but know exactly what to say in order to keep appearance to others
while simultaneously destroying and injuring others
without a care in the world
whether they use you for sex
for entertainment
or simply to be there for their problems
they will never behave in the same manner you will towards them

they may go fuck themselves
you are not great enough to think only of yourself

a hot ass bitch ~!~

last night i finally realized
i am a hot bitch
and i'm not afraid to believe it

i finally accept my appearance
and don't need to rely on others to verify my beauty

how would i be able to attract the guys i have
if i was as ugly as i had previously thought?

and if some guy doesn't approve of me
is scared off by me
or can't handle me
then fuck him
he's missing out on having an awesome girl
and probably doesn't deserve to be with me anyways

fuck low self esteem
i'm about to be one narcissistic bitch

fuck fuck fuck you ~!~

so, what
you're just going to ignore me now?

too scared to talk to me
too scared to hurt me, again?
the same fuckin' excuse you gave last time

well the only way you won't is by leaving

so leave

open ~!~

i never should have opened up to you from the start
if i had known this would happen

play around with the blissfully happy
and distance yourself from the broken

if i had done what i normally do
and feign happiness
you'd probably still be around

me, me, and me ~!~

i need to focus upon myself
sort through my issues
before i'll effectively be able to handle any one else's

i've been hoisting myself up from the bottom
quickly rising to the top
yet i am not there yet
and cannot afford to be dragged down by other people

until i have reached the top
and a secure and stable there
i can be no help to anyone else

not the one ~!~

i always seem to believe i've found the right person
and perhaps it is not merely a belief
maybe i am correct

yet, i am never the right person for them
time after time
never the one

the person for me must be out there somewhere

it all falls to pieces ~!~

everyone around me is emotionally distraught

destroyed

everything about them

around them

crumbling

for once, i am not at the core

of these events

nor had a partaken in the coming of them

i'm a witness

an outsider

dragged into the midst of it

to help pry those i care about away

sober tears ~!~

sometimes, i wish you would keep some secrets to yourself
"see now you know what you were like"
you didn't want her
did you not want me either?

i had moved on as fast as i had
with the knowledge that there had been something there
and now, there's a possibility there wasn't
that i was merely an aggressor
forcing myself upon him
to the point where he didn't know how to say no
and simply went along with it
leading me to believe there was a mutual connection?

anti social

yesterday i felt the need to express myself to others
communicate with
engage others
a feat i was unable to accomplish

now there are people around
and i no longer the need to be around them
no longer desire to chat with them
to listen to them
to even be amongst their presence

today is not a day for many
nor a few
but one, maybe two others

ones who will allow me to remain in my daze
let my mind go where it goes
and never question nor try to alter it
nor try and convince me to think and or do otherwise

this is what i wish for at this moment

awake awake awake ~!~

oh, how i love it
the energy
the alertness
no happiness, quite
but something still up there

able to focus on the issues at hand
to think and expand upon the new thoughts introduced to my mind

what i wanted weeks ago
is no longer applicable now
and will never be

now what do i search for?
i will find out

one eighty

I'm taking a break from the one thing in my life that consistently brings me down, drinking. At least for a little while. I need to give my mind and body a break from it. It's destroying me physically and mentally. It's no longer the fun pass time it used to be, simply an igniter for mistakes. A cleanse for my body and soul. Along with this I'm also developing different ways in which to interpret and proceed with my love life, or lack there of. The way in which I had been going about this before has only failed, and I've witnessed it fail in friends as well. While I shall not as actively pursue a man, I'll take what I get, but will only continue with what I manage to obtain with a sense of security, and a level of commitment,

blog blog blog

i've found that i blog most at night. especially those nights where i'm kept awake by thoughts that both upset and excite me. tonight is a mixture of both. excited that memories of past relations are fading away. to the point where i am no longer able to conjure them in my mind, and yet, this fact also upsets me. those memories that used to put a smile on my face when i recalled them are also gone. by erasing the bad i have also erased the good. no longer am i able to reminisce about those moments and create an image in my mind that allows me to feel as if they are occurring once again. i'm no longer able to live in the past, nor live in my own fantasy. while i am pleased with myself for the ability to break free from this, i cannot help but upset over this. my past with a few select people can now only be experienced through words. i can no longer place a picture, a video, a snippet, with these events. by doing so, i hope to be able to create new experiences with new, interesting people and be freed from the constraints of my past. and with these new individuals i hope to create something more than i had with the previous. no longer hopping from one to another, shying from commitment, from feeling. maybe, just maybe, i'll find one who will stay. one that will last an extended period of time. and not merely be a fleeting interest on my part, nor i for him.

it was you ~!~

the moment you left my life
the moment i pushed you away
did not allow you to meddle in my affairs
put an end to our liaisons
ended communications
i was set free

since then i have achieved more stability
confidence
happiness

the constant up down
up down
of last semester has nearly disappeared

and i have yet to look back
and reminisce of old times together

stuck awake ~!~

there i go again
making assumptions
paranoid

analyzing things that need not be analyzed
drawing conclusions based on little evidence
always for the worst

reminiscing about the past
the good times
the bad
focusing upon how the good will not occur again
and the bad is doomed to repeat

realizing the impact my past mistakes
have had on my current situation

bad thoughts
negative thoughts
destructive thoughts

keeping me awake night after night
unable to have a moments rest
for once the distractions are gone
they are free to reign again

wrong ~!~

i've been fooling them all this entire time
and myself

i want more than what i have
what i've had

i need security
commitment
someone to always be there
in ways more than simply sex

empty ~!~

vacant

i am no longer in my mind
nor my heart
my soul on hiatus

a mere fragment of who i was last week
dwindling away

open ~!~

i love people who are open
a person, after only knowing them for a short period, already allow you into their life
their past
and let you know, straight off the bat, what they are really like

i'm tired of secrets
and mystery
just be honest
up front
open, and warm

that's what i want

something doesn't seem right

these past few events
no longer affect me

they've simply vanished
relinquished to back of my mind

i feel above content
hopeful
optimistic

it's been awhile
let's hope this lasts

realization ~!~

last night i came to many realizations about my own life
all the worries of yesterday simply vanished

never once did he cross my mind
no matter how hard to conjure up his image i could not
i began to myself for who i truly am
and realized my happiness is not dependent upon other people
if someone does not accept me for the person i've am
or the person i've become
i can just as easily find someone else who will

and for the first time in awhile
i felt beautiful
both inside and out
a feeling i could enjoy growing accustomed to

not only that
the distance between those i was close with last semester
became apparent to me
but not in a melancholic, reminiscing sort of way
but in an understanding and accepting we

we simply do not vibe well anymore
we have diverged
meandered down separate paths
and that's fine
it's all part of life

logic, who needs it ~!~

much of the time
my thoughts are not logical

i'll understand the reason why an event has occured
and yet, i'll still believe whatever irrational reasoning i have in my head

i always feel that everything is my fault
no matter what case is
it's all because of me

whenever anything falls apart
it was due to a fault of mine
that everything came crashing down

and no matter what anyone may tell me
i will never trully believe them

isolated ~!~

Isolation. The only word I can use to describe this semester so far. Everything, and everyone seems so distant now. Relationships are increasingly fading away. Last semester I was surrounded by people every portion of the day. Now, my suite is empty with no one is squatting with me to occupy the emptiness , and I have few methods of communications to keep in contact with people. When night rolls around I'm left alone with my thoughts, allowing them to flourish, grow and destroy me. I'm beginning to feel less and less like I have people to talk to about my problems, my worries. Every time I start to open up to people I end up telling them too much, become too dependent on having them around to talk to, and they run off, scared. I'm broken, to the point of appearing fragile, and people don't want to hurt me. So they leave. Which hurts more than anything else they possibly could have done. I'm tired of people running away, giving up. I want a person to actually communicate with, one that will actually stick around. Not a person who will be there solely for my happy times, but turn a blind eye the second things begin to go downhill. This isolation, feeling of loneliness, emptiness, is devouring me. I feel like a shell of the girl I was before. Before, I had my crazy moments, my ups and my downs, now I just feel nothing. Existing, I am only existing. A ghost of who I was.

up and down ~!~

some of the time
i feel confident enough
optimistic enough
positive enough
to push through anything
to look at the world in a more positive light

all my problems seem as if they have disappeared
or, at the very least, are no longer
as big as they had seemed before

and then times come
like tonight
where all of this goes away
and is replaced by overall negativity

apathy
anger
at myself
at others

thoughts of the past consume thoughts of the future
dwelling on what was instead of what could be

living in memories of times missed
no longer active in the present

and i fall in and out of these times
again and again

i have it all ~!~

i'd sacrifice the ability to attract strangers
if i could just find one person that would stick around

this is why ~!~

there was a reason behind why
i stopped caring about men
i no longer wished to be hurt

and, yet, here i am
feeling the emotion i had
for so long
wished to avoid

i had been careless
found someone that tricked me into believing
he was different than the others

he was
but the end result is always the same
i am left behind
hurting
abandoned
while he simply goes on with his life

crazy ~!~

that's my problem
i'm too insane
too out of control
that i scare away the people i want near me

fuck you ~!~

and the feeling is no longer mutual

cycling between thoughts
between people

one day it's you
another it's him
and now, neither
tomorrow, both?

time's elapsed
weeks have been spent fantasizing over one
days over the other
always someone
someone
until now

an entire summer spent
allowing my imagination to run rampant
no longer do i desire someone
as i had in those days


what i desire now is something else entirely
something i have yet to experience
with a someone i have yet to meet

the future involves change
my future involves change
needs change
will change

not worth it ~!~

i'll spend my time with someone i know wants me
rather than waste my time with someone who might

fairy tale ~!~

this weekend
a wonderland
spent dancing in the woods

connected with the forest
at peace with myself
one with the beauty of nature

the beauty of the forest
reflected onto myself
i felt beautiful both inside and out
i experienced all emotions
at once, independently

time no longer existed
the past
the future
neither mattered


an eye opening experience

one of those nights ~!~

it's one of those nights
where i'm kept awake
by thoughts of the future

what happens after college
will i be stuck with my parents
having never succeeded in getting my own place
slaving away at marshalls until i find some other mediocre job
then maybe, possibly, heading to grad school
part time of course
in the years to follow
paying off those fuckin student loans
slowly
slowly

will i even find a job for the coming semester
make enough money to support my habits
enough to save away
for argentina
for an apartment
or will i be jobless
bumming money, drugs, booze left and right
stuck home again for the summer
for the coming year
leaving everyone in NY behind once i graduate


or maybe i will find that job
save up the money
split a place with a friend
remain there after school's all said and done
find some grad school
add to the student debt
finish
and then worry about how to pay all that shit off
the debt
the apartment
the bills
but not give a fuck because i'm free

yeah, i hope that what happens

more and more

remembering more and more
every night
hopefully soon
i'll recall in vivid detail
the journeys i go on
once my eyes close

vibes ~!~

this weekend
a mix of good and bad vibes

insanity'
energy

almost too much of a good thing



dancing non stop
almost too much
even for me

the people
amazing
pure
fun
raging, but in a good way

felt at home
a place
i fit in

cat cat cat ~!~

i really
really
really
want a cat

a cute little fuzzball
to cuddle with at night
and play around with during the day

and watch do cute kitty things

new horizons ~!`

well, i might as well take this time
to shift my focus from one to another

time to play the field
see what else the world has to offer
and enjoy myself guilt free

besides, i don't belong to you
or to him
or anyone
i'm free to do as i want
as are you

one person ~!~

you know when you write those blogs
dedicated to one person

not ever one
multiple entries
weekly
daily

and you realize they never read them?
have no idea what you're thinking
the way your mind is working

how distressed
upset
you actually are

wish you had the guts
the nerve
to tell them what's really going on

and they don't respond
they never do

or when they do
they misinterpret the situation
play it off as something unimportant?
make a joke out of it


a cry for help
and they don't even catch on


my entire summer
but what does it matter?
they haven't caught on yet
they never will
never
will


play it off as a fucking joke
as a light hearted haha
i'm just messing with you


well i'm not
i never was
i opened up
so play it off as one of those
you're taking things to seriously times
and don't listen to what i have to say


i just want someone to talk to
and i can't

winter of 2012 ~!~

if the world ends in 2012
at least i started the last year on earth
in argentina

i've been longing to visit south america
ever since i was a child

i'd rather explore the rain forests
of the south
before ever setting foot
upon european soil

exotic
mysterious
beautiful

first stop, argentina
winter of 2012
i'll take it from there

where to next?
the cloud forests of chile?
a trek through the atacama desert
an adventure through the amazon

a year and a half more to go
and already i cannot stop thinking about it

empty ~!~

don't let what you wish for at the moment
ruin your goals for the future

one thought
above all else
preoccupies my mind at the moment

the pain
i'll be enduring
physically and mentally
these next few months
will all be worth it
in the end

it succeeded back then
it will succeed now

structure ~!~

  fuck        structure
      planahead
                      plan a    head
     my ass
chaos
        spon
tanity

live a
        l
         i
          t
            t
              l
               e
  livealot
                each daysyour  l  a  s  t
        as they
s    a     y

don't
                  focus
                 on
                               the
       past
live in themoment
     the pre
               sent

    the       reality
        only
that exists
                  is
                      the
               here
        and
     n
  o
w

fuckstructure

       color in
             the _____'s
    ?
color
    |
    | outside
    | the
    | fuckin'
    | lines

distract ~!~

distract
distract
distract

i feel as if it's all i've been doing lately
distracting myself from my thoughts
the ones that keep me up all hours of the night
the ones that make me question myself
those around me
this world

distract
distract
distract

how much longer can i keep this up?

the past ~!~

looking into the past
i've realized
the girl i was
is no longer the girl i am

the girl from years ago
is different
almost entirely different
from who i am now


shamed by mistakes from the past
angered at the decisions made
perplexed by past thought processes

that girl from the past
is not, could not have been me

and yet there is still some connection
to this girl
that allows me to realize i was her
even if it seems impossible
for a person to change that much

dreaming ~!~

maybe when we go to sleep
we're actually waking up

what if dreams are our reality?
everytime we enter them
memories of past experiences in this realm
could return to us

just as when we return to our conscious state
we remember what happened yesterday
the day before
five years ago


two seperate worlds
in which one soul can live


who decides which is real?

inadequate ~!~

inadequate

that's the word

i feel
inadequate

almost there
but not quite

never quite enough

jkdajkdsa ~!~

i feel as if my head is exploding
imploding
simultaneously

mangled emotions
without words to describe

simply sensations
urges
actions
with no why

the need to cry
to scream
to destroy
to lose control


yet nothing to accompany these actions
to precede
nor follow them

sobriety is not overrated ~!~

this break from my usual college routine is doing my body, and my mind, great. those constant mood changes from a couple months back are almost completely gone.
i feel stabilized,
almost.
in control.

losing control, every now and then, can be a good thing.
losing control every night and every day only destroyed me.

disrupted my ability to function
to manage my emotions
my relationships
to focus on what i truly care about

sobriety is not a bad thing
nor is inebriation
but life needs a mixture of both


this summer has shown me i can have fun without alcohol
with drugs
without a party every night

au naturale ~!~

it's been a couple months
since i've worn make-up on a daily basis

over time i've realized
that caking it all on
eye liner
shadow
mascara
simply took away from my face

there's something about that fresh
out of bed
into the shower
out of the shower
out the door look
that suits me better


or maybe i'm just lazy




am i starting to accept myself?
small steps
small steps

i wonder if anyone reads this ~!~

probably not
this is basically just my person diary
in electronic form

with much easier access to view


kind of boring
really

too long ~!~

it's been too long

weeks

grew accustomed to twice a week
suddenly dwindled to twice a summer?

fuck this shit

i'm going crazy

no title ~!~

i've never liked titles

to songs
to movies
to blog entries

no real reason why
i simply don't
(besides i can never remember them)


i do understand their use
and ability to make things less complicated
and easier to explain
and what have you



but


i still hate dislike them
(greatly)

comparison ~!~

summer time
-sumr
_________
me time

parties
alcohol
drugs
schoolwork

my focus lies elsewhere

shifts to an inner world
body
peace and
mind

strengthen
dwindle
perfect

tranquility
meditation

stablize
expand
discover


two months remain
to achieve peace of mind
and progress towards
aesthetic perfection

the old days ~!~

restrict
reduce
exert
control

w
a
n
e

to

perfection

under control ~?~

one moment the intensity rises
resurfaces
and i'm able to
bury it beneath
as quickly is it came

no longer must i endure
these prolonged extremes
rising up and down
up and down
endlessly

home sweet home ~!~

if home is where the heart lies
than my home lies away from here

all figured out ~!~

The problem isn't this state
The problem is the people

relate ~!~

i need to surround myself
with people who share similar thought processes

people who like to do
not observe

who live in the moment
focus on the present
and don't emerse themselves in the past
or lose themselves in the future

people with a sense of spontanity
adventure
defiance
independence
fearlessness


those not afraid to break free
and dive head first into the world

let down ~!~

these constant let downs are affecting me less and less
and occuring with more frequency than before

i'm getting to the point where i just don't care
there'll be other plans i can make
just not with the people i wanted

release ~!~

breathe in
breathe out
focus

extend further
create tension
release
relax

soothe

escape this place
and enter another

therapy ~!~

dbt therapy
three times a week
three hours a day
at 9 am

and it's a ton of bullshit

i can't relate to these people at all
i don't feel the way they do

can't work themselves to get out of bed in the morning
a prolonged, everlasting feeling of sadness
of nothing
of anger
etc

i rarely feel depressed
anger and hatred are my vices
and they come and go
just like that

no warning
just here, and gone


and then back to normal


and these skills they give us
to cope with life
i know them all
practice them all without realizing it
every single fuckin day

and i've been able to heal myself
and work through my own problems


these people treat me like a child
like i can't recognize the way i feel
that any time i go out, and enjoy a drink
or a smoke, i'm using it as a means to numb my feelings

fuck this bullshit

hello ~!~

hello, i love you
won't you tell me your name?

hello, i'm good for nothing
will you love me just the same?


i never fail to ruin a good thing
and don't remember how
or why

unrequited ~!~

unrequited love, or lust
for once, not on my part

sabotaging my attempts
at some form of relationship
taken to any sort of level
other than friendship

exaggerations and lies
exchanged when i was vulnerable

foolishly believed
and acted upon
only to then learn the truth


everything seems repaired
.....seems

sheltered ~!~

beginning to give up
lose hope

too sheltered
too scared
too passive
never breaking free
experiencing new places
new people
afraid of change
of independence
relying on others to make decisions
to choose their future
their path
never deciding for themselves

beginning to break
i can't handle this for much longer

frustration
anger
irritation

mature
develop
break out of your fuckin' shells

i need people to accompany on my adventures

taking it back to the old school ~!~

feeling like i'm back in high school
all starry eyed
with a nice pair of rose colored glasses

excited easily and frequently
over the silliest things
conversations
people
person

in and out ~!~

as easily as i fell in
i fell out

once, consuming my mind
now, barely a fleeting thought

not so dismal ~!~

this summer may prove to be somewhat exciting after all

i won't be stuck in this state every weekday
every weekend
i'll be here and there

visiting this person
that person

with new experiences
visiting new places

and most of all, recovering from the year

orgiastic dancing ~!~

a community set far into the woods
away from civilization
from problems
responsibilities

a time to feel liberated
enjoying ones natural self
as nature had intended

pure ecstacy
energy
fufillment

dancing
cuddling
fucking
from dusk til dawn

FWB ~!~

i used to be an advocate
now i'm second guessing

different options
with more stability
certainty
are appearing
more and more

a better fit for me

invasions ~!~

invading my dreams
of night
of day
my thoughts

the one constant
ever since those last few

who'd have ever thought
you'd consume my mind

eight legged freaks ~!~

the spiders are hard at work
engulfing my patio
within their silken web

intricate patterns floating over all
swaying with the gentle breeze
only slightly changing design




they're coming to get me

this summer

i'll use this summer to explore
to work
to relax

investigate the countryside
the forests
the beaches

discover things i'd never noted in this state
and for once feel at home

visit the old
create new

winding through narrow streets
flying over hills
racing through the open road

and for once coming to peace with myself
at a place i've never been able to

not all about the sex ~!~

sometimes just fooling around
wrestling
tickling
generally acting childish
is a lot more rewarding than fucking

especially with someone you never expected to

i was wrong ~!~

things aren't the same as they were before

too many series of changes
we no longer are the same as we were

i am no longer the girl i used to be
you no longer the same man


compatible, yes, as friends
no longer as anything more

we've grown up
grown apart
changed

anger ~!~

anger is beginning to outweigh my bouts of depression

the crying spells are replaced with fury
expressions of emotion taken out through violence
against myself and others

my reaction against being hurt is no longer as it was
i no longer spend hours sulking
crying
talking it out with friends

now, all i feel is rage
hatred
i'm irritable
and ready to explode at any second

convenience ~!~

convenient
that is all i am

always around
always willing to submit
always there when needed

just as easy to toss to the side

give me something to believe ~!~

what am i living for?

needing something more

a step back

lost objective


living simply to exist
no purpose other than survival




i've lost myself
my future

no sleep til brooklyn ~!~

to bed at sunrise
awaken only a few moments later

long, exhausting days
hours in the sun
running here and there
fatigued
yet i am not allowed to rest

cannot rest

hey you ~!~

the day is coming

we'll see what happens

look into the future
the past
and take it from there

six six six ~!~

six more days
and i'll get a taste
of a former life
and what could have been

if only for a little while
we'll be as we were

what had been ~!~

forgotten
the good
the bad
the former erased
the latter recalled

the bad
that which destroys
i will be no part of

so fair well
i need nothing of this feeling
not from you

not from anyone

distance ~!~

maximize the distance
psychologically
physically
avoid the impending pain

lies, lies, lies ~!~

i don't know, this just exploded from my mind a couple of minutes ago
enjoy

deceit ~!~

we deceive
or we are deceived
thus we flourish
or perish

trust no one
not even one's self

remain ahead
always prepared
ready to strike

lie, lie, lie
that's all there is to it

lie and be lied to
hurt others whilst they harm you

use others before they can use you

and never, never question why not
or it will be too late
you'll be scarred

that day ~!~

the day is coming
i feel it
time after time
it never fails to arrive

i'm preparing
expecting
waiting'

what will it be
a few days
a couple of weeks

but it will sneak upon me
attempt to catch me off guard
but i won't allow it to

not this time

the only solution is distance
indifference
to become detached
to take the preemptive

i will not become like the others

monsters ~!~

humans need monsters, humans need a god. without either, we would invent them regardless. they are both awful, terrifying, and awe inspiring. embodying our animalistic desires, our malicious intentions and sinister fantasies. a combination of both carnal instinct, and pure human malice. a way of projecting what we fear about ourselves onto a fictional being, in which to take our hatred of ourselves unto. 

solitude ~!~

i've entered a new mode
of life
one of the observer
at least
for now

standing back
watching
examining my fellow men

a recluse
concealing myself from all

locked away
within an indoor realm
unable to be reached by most


who knows how long this phase will last

normally i prefer experience
to observation
but something's changed

by the water ~!~

a life by the water
small strolls to the shore
wading along the coast

ankle deep in the deep blue
listening and watching
waves rolling in
rolling out

powerful, destructive, beautiful

vibrant skies overhead
heat absorbing through my darkened skin
salty mists coating my body

a life of peace
relaxation
and pure beauty

new surroundings ~!~

new people
new location
new atmosphere

tired of this same old
same old

i yearn for change
need change

this place is bringing me down
these people are bringing me down

take me somewhere far away
a place i've never been
and leave me there

until i tire of that
and move on to the next place

should stop trying ~!~

i should stop trying to find things

make things happen

because when ever i look for something

it never happens

whenever i really want something

i only achieve it when i no longer strive for it

when i don't look for anything

when i just go with whatever

all the things i used to want

suddenly become available

and suddenly disappear

the second i want them again

drunken retards ~!~

so, fun
so so much fun
watching belligerently drunken people stumble around
fall down
and slur their speech

i'm actually satisfied without being drunk

the quiet ~!~

i prefer this quiet life

no running around here and there
every night
drinking myself blind
going insane
out of control

just relaxation
and peace
for now

light as air ~!~

weak
faint

lithe

runnin' on empty
body shaking

so frail
so delicate

the world blackens
once and awhile

spinning, ever so slightly


perfect

sun sun mister golden sun ~!~

sunshine
warmth
winds
high speeds

zooming in and out
up and down
winding through people
across bends
flying down hills

i feel reborn
and ready to take on the day

locking myself away ~!~

shut down

communications

hiding away

within myself

just one of those phases

delving into my inner self

away from all else

silence

don't speak to me

i won't listen

can't listen

trapped in my head

my imagination

whirling through thoughts

ideas

fantasies

leave me be for now

i'll return when i wish to

until then

i'm shutting down

don't tell me what to do ~!~

i hate being told what to do
for no explainable reason

i can't read instructions
or even have a person teach me how to do something

there's a part of me that likes to learn things by herself
i like to make mistakes
learn from them
try again
until i get it right


i don't mind making mistakes
i make them all the time
but it's one of the best ways to learn

and that's where experience truly comes fro

so while i know people are only trying to help
when explaining how to do this
or how to do that
i kind of just want to punch them in the face
and tell them to fuck off
and let me figure it out by myself
:)
not really, but it does aggravate me

creation of god ~!~

god did not create humans

we created god

in an effort to bring order

and stability to our world

a way to understand

and comprehend

all that we cannot

and will never be able to

a means of bring hope

to a world of despair

certainty into a life of ambiguity

a way to define ourselves

the manner in which we behave

the rules to guide our morality

a thing to hold on to

when there's nothing else left

excessive

it's becoming excessive
again

must contain myself
constrain myself

less than twelve hundred a day
to achieve double digits

drop down to the double z's
and slide under the one zero zero

trapped

always vigilant

watching

every movement i make

judging

examining

all aspects of life

in charge of

no person freely allowed to enter

to communicate with

tears followed by more

looking for an escape

anything

leave this area

enter the new

only for them to follow

to constrict

forbid

freedom is nowhere

i will never experience it again

and my captors

my own blood

they cannot allow me to live my own life

(one crazy, creepy fucking dream)

party all night and sleep all day ~!~

i'm done with partying everyday

getting trashed every night

blacking out

making bad decisions

going wild

while destroying my body

with the only goals of the night being more booze

more drugs

and more sex

i want an environment in which people can hold a conversation

have an enjoyable time doing drugs, drinking, etc

without the need to get to the point of blacking out

passing out

dancing around

going on adventures

chilling

whatever

just a decent sized group of people

that enjoy each others company

without needing to be intoxicated

alcohol free week

is working out excellently

no bad decisions
no breakdowns

a general air of content

and amazing times
without the need of that poison

tabler kids

those crazy kids
outside smoking them cigarettes
eating their stolen junk food
discussing everything
from sex and drugs
to alligator vaginas and unicycles

all gathered together
around those red and blue
crooked picnic tables
just conversing
and enjoying one another presence
without the need for substances

no need to intoxicate
to trick their mind
into the pleasure
they feel around each others presence

people you know are there
and will always be there
when they are needed

not demanding anything from you in return
aside from yourself

sobriety ~!~

without alcohol for one week

to cleanse my body
and my mind

this poison has taken it's hold of me
but i won't allow it to consume

i'll delve into other realms
experience
experiment
with other sections of my brain

confined ~!~

closed in
everywhere

my own personal prison

freedom?
nowhere

neither home
nor school
nor abroad

always someone
something
holding me back

sometimes myself
sometimes others

but there is always something

amazing day ~!~

basking in the sun
consuming those vibrant rays
with all the joy that came along


a couple of beers at four
and many many more

but not too much
to the point of functionality
and happiness

i am content right now
as is
without having sex tonight

just talking to people
that's all i need
people to talk to
to really talk to

and i found that tonight
and it's made me feel better
than i have in a while

fuck sex
fuck blacking out
fucking getting fucked up (haha)


who needs that?
i just need real people to talk to
converse with
engage, as a human

that's what i want

empty

purification
detoxification
empty

i feel lighter than air
a feeling i missed

how long will i keep this up?
it's been a day already
just a couple more

a break in between
then return

this is the only way i feel like myself
satisfied inside and out


am i killing myself?
yes
but we all are
in our own ways

smile smile smile

i'm smiling
i don't know why
i can't stop

and a laugh escapes me now and then
unprovoked

i feel ecstatic
amazing

almost as if mdma's circling through my system
minus the touch sensations
the energy
and the owl eyes

addicted

nothing else to do at home, except blog
it's a great release too

i forgot why i stopped


i'm usually too busy at school to remember to post
but i think i'll stick to it this time

at least every few days
maybe not everyday


this is keeping me sane though
crazy as my posts may seem

it's like a log of my mental states
this day i felt this way
this day i felt completely different

i can look back
and recognize what triggered what emotion
and work towards understanding myself better


also, it's relieving to get all this shit off my chest
i prefer writing to talking

family ties ~!~

spend the day at my grandmother's today

sitting outside her front yard

with my mom, sisters, cousins and their children

it felt nice

strangely

even though we weren't doing much

it felt like i had a family

a close family

where we're able to just enjoy being in each other's company

without having to really do anything

and it was only a small fraction of my actual family

i rarely see any of them

and when i do, it's never in a giant gathering

i liked the feeling of being together

i didn't even mind the children

those wild little rascals

of course, the men were missing from the picture

my father

my cousins' husbands

my papa came out for a little while though

the men in my family seem to hide in the background

the affines, anyways

i rarely see my uncles

and all of my aunt's boyfriends, baby's daddies i've never even met

we're a woman dominated family

human behavior ~!~

reading a fascinating book on human behavior

for my culture and persoanlity class

it's amazing how nature and nurture

are both intrinsic to our being

and they combine in such a beautiful way

to create our essence

under certain circumstance genetics may triumph

our biological and chemical make up

under others our experiences

our environment

neither one defines us completely

they are both influential on our lives

we must work to find which balance is working towards our ownself

indoor skating ~!~

went to the indoor skating ring today with my little sister

it's been awhile since i last skated

how i miss it so

weaving in and out of people

top speed

creating my own wind

exhilaration

adrenaline

velocity

grace

all mixed into one

inline skating

resembles my other love

dance

a dance in motion

heading towards a destination

gracefully swerving side to side

in and out

spinning round and round

a step back into the past

triggers abound

recalling days of the past

back at home

when i was younger

not by much but significantly so

days revolving around restriction

sacrifice

discipline

and increasing satisfaction with myself

memories of these days

will revert me back to old habits

bad habits

ones that, oddly, kept me sane

kept my mind off the problem at hand

and focused on a sub-problem

one easily fixed

with attainable goals

sure to bring me some measure of joy for the time being

with a goal to rid me of my current

a goal to erase my current mind state

and replace it with one it's more familiar with

i'm an amazing girl ~!~

but only to men that have already found their perfect girl

i'm there for when she's not

when she leaves i'm the girl they turn to

but the second she returns, i'm tossed aside

always to remain for when she disappears again

if i'm so amazing, then why am i never that perfect girl?

conscious awareness

i must be consciously aware of my state of mind

happiness, for some, may come and remain

without any active participation on the person's part

i, however, must actively pursue this goal

dismiss events, and occurrences that may hinder this goal

and once achieving the end result acknowledge

and consciously participate in it

i must be aware of my happiness

and once i am able to do such

will be able to work better at maintaining it

if i allow myself to passively engage my emotions

i will once again be taken on that wild ride

a constant plunge between one extreme to the next

no, i cannot passively experience my own self

i must actively seek out what triggers me to behave in certain fashions

the cause of the constant up down up down

existence of time

what is time?

only a social constructed created by humans

a non uniform, universal conception

varying from culture to culture

society to society

the idea of a minute is not accepted anywhere

the notion of time existing

in regards to the past

is not evident everywhere

phrases such as two years ago

a couple months ago

a decade ago

are useless to some people

events are used to relate to past actions

such and such happened around the time so and so was born

my sister was born around the time my brother was married

events shape their history

their cycles

their life

time seems to have a much greater hold on our own

we are slaves to the clock

the calendar

our life does not revolve around the events within it

it revolves around the minute

the hour

the day

revo em kcuf ot ereh era nem

they are only out to harm

confuse

change

ruin

me

to disrupt the balance of my moods

mess with my state of mind

destroy whatever little's left of me

i can never trust them

it's the same story time after time

all a facade

why would it be different now, or in the future?

i'll keep my distance

returning to the homeland

returning home is never a moment during the semester i particularly enjoy

home is dull

always the same

the same routine day in and day out

but right now i need an escape from this place

it's driving me insane

i need to lock myself away

shut down all connections to school

calm down

rejuvenate

and hopefully come back to school normal

or whatever normal is for me

an emotional rollercoaster ~!~

i'm growing tired of this constant up down up down

cycling through the various mentalities of the human machine

with no knowledge of which one lies next

and which will emerge victorious

presiding over all else

emotions that, in the past, i had experienced rarely

are becoming a daily occurrence

i cannot cope with them

for i cannot recognize how to address them

a constant back and forth

from one extreme to another

from one state of mind to the next

one emotion after another

without any consistency

clench jaw

failed to eat

an excess of pain

jaws clench

teeth ache

i blame the drugs

but it's alright

it makes everything easier

my goal obtainable

no food

and pain

that's all i need

and i'm okay

beautiful

they call me beautiful

close friends

i'm awesome

fun to be around

all that bullshit

all lies

you can never tell a friend they're ugly to their face

i see myself in the mirror

the same image everyone else sees

i see filth

ugliness

a face that could never resemble beauty

perfection

tranquility

grace

charm

finesse

an anomaly

defection

mistake

something that never should have emerged

blossomed

matured

a being that cannot even tolerate itself

is a being that should be in being at all

should not exist

survive

or progress into the future

a being of this nature

lives only through misery

self hatred

loathing

and agony

never to succeed

advance

or contribute anything to this world

a being that was never meant to be

to only fail day after day

time after time

i'm a being that should never have been

i am a mistake

i am my own enemy

my only enemy

why?

there is never an answer to such question

why do i hate myself?

because i always have

have i ever done some horrible deed to deserve this?

nothing but exist

have i ever, in any way, destroyed another human being physically or mentally?

never, i cannot stand the site of another person in pain

so what have i done?

nothing to upset

nothing to disappoint

but only myself

with some disillusion of inadequacy

that i place upon myself

which has manifested itself into hatred

towards my own self

all the bitterness i receive from the world

the hate, the anger, the indifference

i project onto myself

i don't wish these emotions to exist outside my inner self

i wish to see the outside world in a golden light

all those negative emotions most perceive in the outside world

i ignore

take in

and absorb into my essence

take them on as my responsibility

the fault rests on me

and turn against myself

fight against myself

instead of the problems of this world

that i encounter everyday

and turn a blind eye to

but everyday i progress

break free from this destructive pattern

and liberate myself

nothing lasts forever

there's only few people in this world

that i find i can remain close to for extended periods of time

everyone else has faded away

or is in the process of doing so

ties have been broken

connections lost

and i'm done with repairing

expending the effort to maintain these futile friendships

relationships

whatever you wish to call them

i'm done

if someone wishes to see me

to talk to me

hold me

they can take the initiative to contact me

find me

comfort me

i'm tired of this game

a game i've played all my life

a facade ~!~

i find it difficult to believe what others feel towards me

no matter how many times someone tells me they care

they love me

i'm beautiful

etcetcetc

i can't bring myself to truly believe them

if i don't care for myself

i don't love myself

i see myself as hideous

how can anyone else see differently?

sometimes i think i'd be better off with everyone else gone

but i thrive off of people

i don't hate others

i hate myself

put me alone in a room

and i begin my spiral down

suffocated by own negative energy

second best ~!~

i always fall short of everyone else

always the next best

second choice

i'm what you look for when you can't get what you want

and settle for the next best thing

the next best thing

always the next

never the first

i'm always on a drug ~!~

if i'm in a club

i'm always on a drug

if you get a hug

guess what drug

i'm on

ecstasy

forecast for tonight

rolling

rolling

rolling

elation

sensation

elevation

a break from this mediocre life

into one of excitement

one of pure joy

this is my poison

note to self: movies to watch

this entry is dedicated entirely to an continuous list of movies i plan on watching

every time i encounter a movie i wish to see it'll join the list

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

SALO OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM

IRREVERSIBLE

THE ORPHANAGE

CURE

THE HOST

THREE EXTREMES

THE EYE

KAIRO

UZUMAKI

A TALE OF TWO SISTERS

FIGHT CLUB

JULES ET JIM

LA BELLE ET LA BETE

BELLE DE JOUR

DELICATESSEN

too good to last

whenever things start working in my favor

when i'm finally able to obtain what i want

being surrounded by people that care about and understand me

everything seemingly balanced and positive

i feel that shortly i'll ruin it all

destroy everything i had worked so long to acquire

the more comfortable i become with a certain situation

a certain person

community

i find that i subconsciously try to sabotage it all

speckles of my insanity grow in number

until consuming my entity

and driving all the balance and positivity out of my world

leaving nothing for me to start again from

slowly working and building the connections from before

always slightly different than previous ones

but functioning in similar fashions

until i'll ultimately destroy those ones as well

habits are hard to rbeak

i'm starting again

i started last saturday

bad

real bad

very very bad

worse than ever before

and i'm hooked again

it's the only way i can feel

i need to stop

but i can't

no food, no sleep

since i've returned to the brook

i have no slept

and i've eaten twice

if i keep this up i won't survive

but i want to keep this up

i waste so much of my life sleeping

in these sleepless nights i have met many new faces

engaged in deep conversations with those close to me

and had an amazing time

and eating is overrated too

i have no desired food in days

and my body does not demand it

why waste the money on it

why risk the chance of gaining weight

i do not need to sleep

i do not need to eat

i want to experience all i can in this lifetime

and don't want this to hold me back

g'morning

it feels nice being up before noon

i don't feel like such a bum

and i can actually get things accomplished today

sure, i felt groggy right after my alarm went off

but that feeling quickly went away the second i started moving around

i'm very adaptable to different time schedules

so if i must, i could very easily be a morning person

just as it's very easy for me to shift gears into a night owl

i realized today that i am a very adaptable person

when i'm put into a new situation i can easily make it feel like the same old

when i come home for winter break within my first day back i'm already used to being home

and when i return to school i feel like i never left

maybe this is why i enjoy change so much

because even my new experiences become the same old to me very soon

and the same old gets rather tiring after awhile

thoughts of the future

thinking about the future keeps me up at night

i'm all prepared to fall asleep

exhausted

stretched out

comfortable

warm

and once my head hits the pillow thoughts just flood my mind

and i'm wide awake again

this time around these thoughts pertained to next semester

and wondering how things will be different

whether or not i'll still be close to the same people

if the people i was into last year will still be interested

etcetcetc

it's driving me crazy

work that pole

i am going to learn how to do that

that takes skills

and a strong body

and it's sexy

i must learn the ways of the pole dancer

the summer music festivals begin

i want to go to coachella this year

but there's a very slim chance i'll be able to attend

tickets are around 300$s

a plane ticket to california will cost me anywhere between 400 and 600$

and then an extra 200$ for hotel and food

right now i have less than twenty dollars to my name

this whole saving money thing isn't my strong point

i always end up spending money to support my bad habits

to make small trips here and there

and then i have none left when i actually have something worth going to

http://www.coachella.com/event/lineup

^line-up is amazing

sausage fest

i always seem to be the only girl that lasts

'til the end of the night at every party i go to.

it's me and then a group of five or more guys

no matter where i am

at home, at stony brook

it's weird

i spent the night at uconn yesterday

and lasted until seven in the morning

ended up out drinking every guy there

i felt like a champ

kind of envious of the apartments in uconn

so much better than stony brook's

it's a legit apartment

and not just an extended version of suite style living

the drive back this morning was nice too

it's always refreshing seeing the country side every now and then

lakes, mountains and trees galour

it's been months

i'm horrible at updating my blogs

i'll go months without ever updating

i'm going to start up again

for a little while at least

it'll give me something to do with these last eight days here in connecticut

soon i'll be back at school

where i'll be back on the path of adventure

experimentation

fun

there's so much more i need to experience this year

so many things left to try

and i can't wait to get started on it all