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i've found that i blog most at night. especially those nights where i'm kept awake by thoughts that both upset and excite me. tonight is a mixture of both. excited that memories of past relations are fading away. to the point where i am no longer able to conjure them in my mind, and yet, this fact also upsets me. those memories that used to put a smile on my face when i recalled them are also gone. by erasing the bad i have also erased the good. no longer am i able to reminisce about those moments and create an image in my mind that allows me to feel as if they are occurring once again. i'm no longer able to live in the past, nor live in my own fantasy. while i am pleased with myself for the ability to break free from this, i cannot help but upset over this. my past with a few select people can now only be experienced through words. i can no longer place a picture, a video, a snippet, with these events. by doing so, i hope to be able to create new experiences with new, interesting people and be freed from the constraints of my past. and with these new individuals i hope to create something more than i had with the previous. no longer hopping from one to another, shying from commitment, from feeling. maybe, just maybe, i'll find one who will stay. one that will last an extended period of time. and not merely be a fleeting interest on my part, nor i for him.