what you are ~!~

you're just a fucking pussy
that's all you ever were

why did i waste my fucking time with you?

furthering the distance ~!~

you're rarely around as it is
i see you once every couple of days
hear from you when i put forth the effort

and when i try and communicate my stresses
problems
to you
you dismiss them, as if nothing
and move onto some other subject
avoiding the situation all together

i used to confide in you
almost everything on my mind
now it's as if you only want me around
when i'm up
but never down

the ups come with the downs
i'm an entire package
you can't pick and choose

this feeling ~!~

and i have this feeling
you just don't care anymore

a superficial friendship
around for the good
flee from the bad

so, i'll be distancing myself
i don't need your type of friendship

selfish asshole ~!~

so, the conversations of last night
or moreso my ramblings
and racing thoughts
have led me to uncover many truths about myself
and those around me

i have learned
or moreso realized
that everything i dislike
and am annoyed with in others, and the world
i turn upon myself
and into the hating, and anger i have towards me
instead of reacting upon what i despise in the outside world

i have also come to the conclusion
that some of those close to me
and those that used to be
are in fact selfish assholes

people that pretend to be interested in your life
pretend to care
pretend to be loyal and honest
when really they are merely out for themselves
but know exactly what to say in order to keep appearance to others
while simultaneously destroying and injuring others
without a care in the world
whether they use you for sex
for entertainment
or simply to be there for their problems
they will never behave in the same manner you will towards them

they may go fuck themselves
you are not great enough to think only of yourself

a hot ass bitch ~!~

last night i finally realized
i am a hot bitch
and i'm not afraid to believe it

i finally accept my appearance
and don't need to rely on others to verify my beauty

how would i be able to attract the guys i have
if i was as ugly as i had previously thought?

and if some guy doesn't approve of me
is scared off by me
or can't handle me
then fuck him
he's missing out on having an awesome girl
and probably doesn't deserve to be with me anyways

fuck low self esteem
i'm about to be one narcissistic bitch

fuck fuck fuck you ~!~

so, what
you're just going to ignore me now?

too scared to talk to me
too scared to hurt me, again?
the same fuckin' excuse you gave last time

well the only way you won't is by leaving

so leave

open ~!~

i never should have opened up to you from the start
if i had known this would happen

play around with the blissfully happy
and distance yourself from the broken

if i had done what i normally do
and feign happiness
you'd probably still be around

me, me, and me ~!~

i need to focus upon myself
sort through my issues
before i'll effectively be able to handle any one else's

i've been hoisting myself up from the bottom
quickly rising to the top
yet i am not there yet
and cannot afford to be dragged down by other people

until i have reached the top
and a secure and stable there
i can be no help to anyone else

not the one ~!~

i always seem to believe i've found the right person
and perhaps it is not merely a belief
maybe i am correct

yet, i am never the right person for them
time after time
never the one

the person for me must be out there somewhere

it all falls to pieces ~!~

everyone around me is emotionally distraught

destroyed

everything about them

around them

crumbling

for once, i am not at the core

of these events

nor had a partaken in the coming of them

i'm a witness

an outsider

dragged into the midst of it

to help pry those i care about away

sober tears ~!~

sometimes, i wish you would keep some secrets to yourself
"see now you know what you were like"
you didn't want her
did you not want me either?

i had moved on as fast as i had
with the knowledge that there had been something there
and now, there's a possibility there wasn't
that i was merely an aggressor
forcing myself upon him
to the point where he didn't know how to say no
and simply went along with it
leading me to believe there was a mutual connection?

anti social

yesterday i felt the need to express myself to others
communicate with
engage others
a feat i was unable to accomplish

now there are people around
and i no longer the need to be around them
no longer desire to chat with them
to listen to them
to even be amongst their presence

today is not a day for many
nor a few
but one, maybe two others

ones who will allow me to remain in my daze
let my mind go where it goes
and never question nor try to alter it
nor try and convince me to think and or do otherwise

this is what i wish for at this moment

awake awake awake ~!~

oh, how i love it
the energy
the alertness
no happiness, quite
but something still up there

able to focus on the issues at hand
to think and expand upon the new thoughts introduced to my mind

what i wanted weeks ago
is no longer applicable now
and will never be

now what do i search for?
i will find out

one eighty

I'm taking a break from the one thing in my life that consistently brings me down, drinking. At least for a little while. I need to give my mind and body a break from it. It's destroying me physically and mentally. It's no longer the fun pass time it used to be, simply an igniter for mistakes. A cleanse for my body and soul. Along with this I'm also developing different ways in which to interpret and proceed with my love life, or lack there of. The way in which I had been going about this before has only failed, and I've witnessed it fail in friends as well. While I shall not as actively pursue a man, I'll take what I get, but will only continue with what I manage to obtain with a sense of security, and a level of commitment,

blog blog blog

i've found that i blog most at night. especially those nights where i'm kept awake by thoughts that both upset and excite me. tonight is a mixture of both. excited that memories of past relations are fading away. to the point where i am no longer able to conjure them in my mind, and yet, this fact also upsets me. those memories that used to put a smile on my face when i recalled them are also gone. by erasing the bad i have also erased the good. no longer am i able to reminisce about those moments and create an image in my mind that allows me to feel as if they are occurring once again. i'm no longer able to live in the past, nor live in my own fantasy. while i am pleased with myself for the ability to break free from this, i cannot help but upset over this. my past with a few select people can now only be experienced through words. i can no longer place a picture, a video, a snippet, with these events. by doing so, i hope to be able to create new experiences with new, interesting people and be freed from the constraints of my past. and with these new individuals i hope to create something more than i had with the previous. no longer hopping from one to another, shying from commitment, from feeling. maybe, just maybe, i'll find one who will stay. one that will last an extended period of time. and not merely be a fleeting interest on my part, nor i for him.

it was you ~!~

the moment you left my life
the moment i pushed you away
did not allow you to meddle in my affairs
put an end to our liaisons
ended communications
i was set free

since then i have achieved more stability
confidence
happiness

the constant up down
up down
of last semester has nearly disappeared

and i have yet to look back
and reminisce of old times together

stuck awake ~!~

there i go again
making assumptions
paranoid

analyzing things that need not be analyzed
drawing conclusions based on little evidence
always for the worst

reminiscing about the past
the good times
the bad
focusing upon how the good will not occur again
and the bad is doomed to repeat

realizing the impact my past mistakes
have had on my current situation

bad thoughts
negative thoughts
destructive thoughts

keeping me awake night after night
unable to have a moments rest
for once the distractions are gone
they are free to reign again

wrong ~!~

i've been fooling them all this entire time
and myself

i want more than what i have
what i've had

i need security
commitment
someone to always be there
in ways more than simply sex

empty ~!~

vacant

i am no longer in my mind
nor my heart
my soul on hiatus

a mere fragment of who i was last week
dwindling away