awake awake awake ~!~

oh, how i love it
the energy
the alertness
no happiness, quite
but something still up there

able to focus on the issues at hand
to think and expand upon the new thoughts introduced to my mind

what i wanted weeks ago
is no longer applicable now
and will never be

now what do i search for?
i will find out

one eighty

I'm taking a break from the one thing in my life that consistently brings me down, drinking. At least for a little while. I need to give my mind and body a break from it. It's destroying me physically and mentally. It's no longer the fun pass time it used to be, simply an igniter for mistakes. A cleanse for my body and soul. Along with this I'm also developing different ways in which to interpret and proceed with my love life, or lack there of. The way in which I had been going about this before has only failed, and I've witnessed it fail in friends as well. While I shall not as actively pursue a man, I'll take what I get, but will only continue with what I manage to obtain with a sense of security, and a level of commitment,

blog blog blog

i've found that i blog most at night. especially those nights where i'm kept awake by thoughts that both upset and excite me. tonight is a mixture of both. excited that memories of past relations are fading away. to the point where i am no longer able to conjure them in my mind, and yet, this fact also upsets me. those memories that used to put a smile on my face when i recalled them are also gone. by erasing the bad i have also erased the good. no longer am i able to reminisce about those moments and create an image in my mind that allows me to feel as if they are occurring once again. i'm no longer able to live in the past, nor live in my own fantasy. while i am pleased with myself for the ability to break free from this, i cannot help but upset over this. my past with a few select people can now only be experienced through words. i can no longer place a picture, a video, a snippet, with these events. by doing so, i hope to be able to create new experiences with new, interesting people and be freed from the constraints of my past. and with these new individuals i hope to create something more than i had with the previous. no longer hopping from one to another, shying from commitment, from feeling. maybe, just maybe, i'll find one who will stay. one that will last an extended period of time. and not merely be a fleeting interest on my part, nor i for him.

it was you ~!~

the moment you left my life
the moment i pushed you away
did not allow you to meddle in my affairs
put an end to our liaisons
ended communications
i was set free

since then i have achieved more stability
confidence
happiness

the constant up down
up down
of last semester has nearly disappeared

and i have yet to look back
and reminisce of old times together

stuck awake ~!~

there i go again
making assumptions
paranoid

analyzing things that need not be analyzed
drawing conclusions based on little evidence
always for the worst

reminiscing about the past
the good times
the bad
focusing upon how the good will not occur again
and the bad is doomed to repeat

realizing the impact my past mistakes
have had on my current situation

bad thoughts
negative thoughts
destructive thoughts

keeping me awake night after night
unable to have a moments rest
for once the distractions are gone
they are free to reign again

wrong ~!~

i've been fooling them all this entire time
and myself

i want more than what i have
what i've had

i need security
commitment
someone to always be there
in ways more than simply sex

empty ~!~

vacant

i am no longer in my mind
nor my heart
my soul on hiatus

a mere fragment of who i was last week
dwindling away