open ~!~

i love people who are open
a person, after only knowing them for a short period, already allow you into their life
their past
and let you know, straight off the bat, what they are really like

i'm tired of secrets
and mystery
just be honest
up front
open, and warm

that's what i want

something doesn't seem right

these past few events
no longer affect me

they've simply vanished
relinquished to back of my mind

i feel above content
hopeful
optimistic

it's been awhile
let's hope this lasts

realization ~!~

last night i came to many realizations about my own life
all the worries of yesterday simply vanished

never once did he cross my mind
no matter how hard to conjure up his image i could not
i began to myself for who i truly am
and realized my happiness is not dependent upon other people
if someone does not accept me for the person i've am
or the person i've become
i can just as easily find someone else who will

and for the first time in awhile
i felt beautiful
both inside and out
a feeling i could enjoy growing accustomed to

not only that
the distance between those i was close with last semester
became apparent to me
but not in a melancholic, reminiscing sort of way
but in an understanding and accepting we

we simply do not vibe well anymore
we have diverged
meandered down separate paths
and that's fine
it's all part of life

logic, who needs it ~!~

much of the time
my thoughts are not logical

i'll understand the reason why an event has occured
and yet, i'll still believe whatever irrational reasoning i have in my head

i always feel that everything is my fault
no matter what case is
it's all because of me

whenever anything falls apart
it was due to a fault of mine
that everything came crashing down

and no matter what anyone may tell me
i will never trully believe them

isolated ~!~

Isolation. The only word I can use to describe this semester so far. Everything, and everyone seems so distant now. Relationships are increasingly fading away. Last semester I was surrounded by people every portion of the day. Now, my suite is empty with no one is squatting with me to occupy the emptiness , and I have few methods of communications to keep in contact with people. When night rolls around I'm left alone with my thoughts, allowing them to flourish, grow and destroy me. I'm beginning to feel less and less like I have people to talk to about my problems, my worries. Every time I start to open up to people I end up telling them too much, become too dependent on having them around to talk to, and they run off, scared. I'm broken, to the point of appearing fragile, and people don't want to hurt me. So they leave. Which hurts more than anything else they possibly could have done. I'm tired of people running away, giving up. I want a person to actually communicate with, one that will actually stick around. Not a person who will be there solely for my happy times, but turn a blind eye the second things begin to go downhill. This isolation, feeling of loneliness, emptiness, is devouring me. I feel like a shell of the girl I was before. Before, I had my crazy moments, my ups and my downs, now I just feel nothing. Existing, I am only existing. A ghost of who I was.

up and down ~!~

some of the time
i feel confident enough
optimistic enough
positive enough
to push through anything
to look at the world in a more positive light

all my problems seem as if they have disappeared
or, at the very least, are no longer
as big as they had seemed before

and then times come
like tonight
where all of this goes away
and is replaced by overall negativity

apathy
anger
at myself
at others

thoughts of the past consume thoughts of the future
dwelling on what was instead of what could be

living in memories of times missed
no longer active in the present

and i fall in and out of these times
again and again

i have it all ~!~

i'd sacrifice the ability to attract strangers
if i could just find one person that would stick around

this is why ~!~

there was a reason behind why
i stopped caring about men
i no longer wished to be hurt

and, yet, here i am
feeling the emotion i had
for so long
wished to avoid

i had been careless
found someone that tricked me into believing
he was different than the others

he was
but the end result is always the same
i am left behind
hurting
abandoned
while he simply goes on with his life

crazy ~!~

that's my problem
i'm too insane
too out of control
that i scare away the people i want near me