conscious awareness

i must be consciously aware of my state of mind

happiness, for some, may come and remain

without any active participation on the person's part

i, however, must actively pursue this goal

dismiss events, and occurrences that may hinder this goal

and once achieving the end result acknowledge

and consciously participate in it

i must be aware of my happiness

and once i am able to do such

will be able to work better at maintaining it

if i allow myself to passively engage my emotions

i will once again be taken on that wild ride

a constant plunge between one extreme to the next

no, i cannot passively experience my own self

i must actively seek out what triggers me to behave in certain fashions

the cause of the constant up down up down

existence of time

what is time?

only a social constructed created by humans

a non uniform, universal conception

varying from culture to culture

society to society

the idea of a minute is not accepted anywhere

the notion of time existing

in regards to the past

is not evident everywhere

phrases such as two years ago

a couple months ago

a decade ago

are useless to some people

events are used to relate to past actions

such and such happened around the time so and so was born

my sister was born around the time my brother was married

events shape their history

their cycles

their life

time seems to have a much greater hold on our own

we are slaves to the clock

the calendar

our life does not revolve around the events within it

it revolves around the minute

the hour

the day

revo em kcuf ot ereh era nem

they are only out to harm

confuse

change

ruin

me

to disrupt the balance of my moods

mess with my state of mind

destroy whatever little's left of me

i can never trust them

it's the same story time after time

all a facade

why would it be different now, or in the future?

i'll keep my distance

returning to the homeland

returning home is never a moment during the semester i particularly enjoy

home is dull

always the same

the same routine day in and day out

but right now i need an escape from this place

it's driving me insane

i need to lock myself away

shut down all connections to school

calm down

rejuvenate

and hopefully come back to school normal

or whatever normal is for me

an emotional rollercoaster ~!~

i'm growing tired of this constant up down up down

cycling through the various mentalities of the human machine

with no knowledge of which one lies next

and which will emerge victorious

presiding over all else

emotions that, in the past, i had experienced rarely

are becoming a daily occurrence

i cannot cope with them

for i cannot recognize how to address them

a constant back and forth

from one extreme to another

from one state of mind to the next

one emotion after another

without any consistency

clench jaw

failed to eat

an excess of pain

jaws clench

teeth ache

i blame the drugs

but it's alright

it makes everything easier

my goal obtainable

no food

and pain

that's all i need

and i'm okay

beautiful

they call me beautiful

close friends

i'm awesome

fun to be around

all that bullshit

all lies

you can never tell a friend they're ugly to their face

i see myself in the mirror

the same image everyone else sees

i see filth

ugliness

a face that could never resemble beauty

perfection

tranquility

grace

charm

finesse

an anomaly

defection

mistake

something that never should have emerged

blossomed

matured

a being that cannot even tolerate itself

is a being that should be in being at all

should not exist

survive

or progress into the future

a being of this nature

lives only through misery

self hatred

loathing

and agony

never to succeed

advance

or contribute anything to this world

a being that was never meant to be

to only fail day after day

time after time

i'm a being that should never have been

i am a mistake

i am my own enemy

my only enemy

why?

there is never an answer to such question

why do i hate myself?

because i always have

have i ever done some horrible deed to deserve this?

nothing but exist

have i ever, in any way, destroyed another human being physically or mentally?

never, i cannot stand the site of another person in pain

so what have i done?

nothing to upset

nothing to disappoint

but only myself

with some disillusion of inadequacy

that i place upon myself

which has manifested itself into hatred

towards my own self

all the bitterness i receive from the world

the hate, the anger, the indifference

i project onto myself

i don't wish these emotions to exist outside my inner self

i wish to see the outside world in a golden light

all those negative emotions most perceive in the outside world

i ignore

take in

and absorb into my essence

take them on as my responsibility

the fault rests on me

and turn against myself

fight against myself

instead of the problems of this world

that i encounter everyday

and turn a blind eye to

but everyday i progress

break free from this destructive pattern

and liberate myself

nothing lasts forever

there's only few people in this world

that i find i can remain close to for extended periods of time

everyone else has faded away

or is in the process of doing so

ties have been broken

connections lost

and i'm done with repairing

expending the effort to maintain these futile friendships

relationships

whatever you wish to call them

i'm done

if someone wishes to see me

to talk to me

hold me

they can take the initiative to contact me

find me

comfort me

i'm tired of this game

a game i've played all my life

a facade ~!~

i find it difficult to believe what others feel towards me

no matter how many times someone tells me they care

they love me

i'm beautiful

etcetcetc

i can't bring myself to truly believe them

if i don't care for myself

i don't love myself

i see myself as hideous

how can anyone else see differently?

sometimes i think i'd be better off with everyone else gone

but i thrive off of people

i don't hate others

i hate myself

put me alone in a room

and i begin my spiral down

suffocated by own negative energy

second best ~!~

i always fall short of everyone else

always the next best

second choice

i'm what you look for when you can't get what you want

and settle for the next best thing

the next best thing

always the next

never the first

i'm always on a drug ~!~

if i'm in a club

i'm always on a drug

if you get a hug

guess what drug

i'm on

ecstasy

forecast for tonight

rolling

rolling

rolling

elation

sensation

elevation

a break from this mediocre life

into one of excitement

one of pure joy

this is my poison

note to self: movies to watch

this entry is dedicated entirely to an continuous list of movies i plan on watching

every time i encounter a movie i wish to see it'll join the list

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

SALO OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM

IRREVERSIBLE

THE ORPHANAGE

CURE

THE HOST

THREE EXTREMES

THE EYE

KAIRO

UZUMAKI

A TALE OF TWO SISTERS

FIGHT CLUB

JULES ET JIM

LA BELLE ET LA BETE

BELLE DE JOUR

DELICATESSEN

too good to last

whenever things start working in my favor

when i'm finally able to obtain what i want

being surrounded by people that care about and understand me

everything seemingly balanced and positive

i feel that shortly i'll ruin it all

destroy everything i had worked so long to acquire

the more comfortable i become with a certain situation

a certain person

community

i find that i subconsciously try to sabotage it all

speckles of my insanity grow in number

until consuming my entity

and driving all the balance and positivity out of my world

leaving nothing for me to start again from

slowly working and building the connections from before

always slightly different than previous ones

but functioning in similar fashions

until i'll ultimately destroy those ones as well