nothing lasts forever

there's only few people in this world

that i find i can remain close to for extended periods of time

everyone else has faded away

or is in the process of doing so

ties have been broken

connections lost

and i'm done with repairing

expending the effort to maintain these futile friendships

relationships

whatever you wish to call them

i'm done

if someone wishes to see me

to talk to me

hold me

they can take the initiative to contact me

find me

comfort me

i'm tired of this game

a game i've played all my life

a facade ~!~

i find it difficult to believe what others feel towards me

no matter how many times someone tells me they care

they love me

i'm beautiful

etcetcetc

i can't bring myself to truly believe them

if i don't care for myself

i don't love myself

i see myself as hideous

how can anyone else see differently?

sometimes i think i'd be better off with everyone else gone

but i thrive off of people

i don't hate others

i hate myself

put me alone in a room

and i begin my spiral down

suffocated by own negative energy

second best ~!~

i always fall short of everyone else

always the next best

second choice

i'm what you look for when you can't get what you want

and settle for the next best thing

the next best thing

always the next

never the first

i'm always on a drug ~!~

if i'm in a club

i'm always on a drug

if you get a hug

guess what drug

i'm on

ecstasy

forecast for tonight

rolling

rolling

rolling

elation

sensation

elevation

a break from this mediocre life

into one of excitement

one of pure joy

this is my poison

note to self: movies to watch

this entry is dedicated entirely to an continuous list of movies i plan on watching

every time i encounter a movie i wish to see it'll join the list

I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

SALO OR THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM

IRREVERSIBLE

THE ORPHANAGE

CURE

THE HOST

THREE EXTREMES

THE EYE

KAIRO

UZUMAKI

A TALE OF TWO SISTERS

FIGHT CLUB

JULES ET JIM

LA BELLE ET LA BETE

BELLE DE JOUR

DELICATESSEN

too good to last

whenever things start working in my favor

when i'm finally able to obtain what i want

being surrounded by people that care about and understand me

everything seemingly balanced and positive

i feel that shortly i'll ruin it all

destroy everything i had worked so long to acquire

the more comfortable i become with a certain situation

a certain person

community

i find that i subconsciously try to sabotage it all

speckles of my insanity grow in number

until consuming my entity

and driving all the balance and positivity out of my world

leaving nothing for me to start again from

slowly working and building the connections from before

always slightly different than previous ones

but functioning in similar fashions

until i'll ultimately destroy those ones as well

habits are hard to rbeak

i'm starting again

i started last saturday

bad

real bad

very very bad

worse than ever before

and i'm hooked again

it's the only way i can feel

i need to stop

but i can't