clean up

clean up clean up
everybody everywhere
clean up clean up
everybody do your share

tossing out old clothes
ratty shoes
useless artifacts from my past

everything accumulates from the year
building dust in the corners of my room
then, one day, this pile of trivial trinkets threatens to overtake the room

out come the trash bags
extra strength
go through every article i own
every book, shoe, jewelery
paper, artwork, junk
determine what i need
what i'd like to keep
and what i can live without

half my room collected into the garbage
to allow for another year of useless collecting

thin is in

i don't recall a time in my life where i was comfortable with my body
back in elementary school i'd compare my body to the other girls in class
and always felt fat compared to the stick thin girls
while i witnessed all the other girls shoot up and slim down i remained the same
same height, same weight
i always loved the frailty of thin girls
the jagged knees and elbows
the protruding hip and collar bones
i wanted to lose that "bubble butt" my mom always joked i had
i never wanted to grow boobs
never wanted to have larger hips
while some girls longed to have womanly curves i wanted to remain curveless
back in junior year i was on my way to where i longed to be
i noticed a space growing in between my thighs
my hips bones and ribs were exposed in ways they never had been before
my pants size dropped down to almost a 00
and i finally got below the 100 mark

i miss those days
i tell myself everyday that my body is perfect as it is
i weigh the right amount, have all the right curves
yet no matter how much i tell myself this, i never believe the words i say

catch some zzz

after a trying day at work all i could manage to do when returning home was collapse on to my couch
i haven't napped in quite some time
even a week ago, working my 7 to 3 shift, i never once slept during the day
sleeping during the day comes easier to me than sleep at night
once the clock strikes midnight i'm awarded with an extra boost of energy
even when i am exhausted
and lie in bed at 10 o clock
my body refuses to shut down
i'll be curled up in bed
eyes closed
mind racing
for hours at a time
falling asleep four to five hours after i had anticipated
waking up every half or so
until i must roll out of bed and resume my work schedule

the only time i'm able to effectively sleep is after a night spent with my dear friend, merlot
a couple of glasses of that
some oxy
and i'll be out within an hour

excellent sleep too

don't trust the hoe

some people may consider some of my actions promiscuous. i don't consider myself a whore or slut, i simply enjoy sexual contact with other individuals without a close emotional connection needed. sex feels good, even simply making out is enjoyable.
i may hook up with men i haven't known for a long period of time, men i am not even emotionally interested in, but that doesn't make me any less of a woman. it doesn't mean i'm a whore. doesn't make me a bad or horrible person.
i simply think of hooking up as an activity i enjoy engaging in. whether it be with a significant other, a stranger or a close friend.
i look forward to the start of the school year when i'll be able to find new people to have some fun with. maybe find a good man that satisfies both my emotional and sexual needs. until then, i'll sample the men that i do run across, and see what happens from there.

reality

a crutch for those who can't cope with drugs.

drugs bring you to a whole new plane
a place you cannot achieve on your own
another universe
some let you see deeper inside your own inner realm
others allow for an escape

either way, drugs are not necessarily an evil
it all depends on you
and how you deal with them

don't give me that "i can have fun without booze and drugs" bull shit
because i can too
but sometimes i prefer to have fun with them

java time

i'm addicted to starbucks. i can't even enjoy a cup of coffee elsewhere now. dunkin donuts, tim hortons, javapalooza, etc. just don't cut it anymore. starbucks must be slipping crack into their coffee, this is the only explanation behind my addiction to their java. every morning, before work, i must stop by and grab my quad espresso, or i'm in a horrible mood all day. the four shots of espresso do nothing towards giving me energy anymore either, they simply keep the headaches at bay, and my mood in line.
back in high school, i used to make at least four trips to starbucks a day. i've managed to cut it down to just one now. back at college, i spent a majority of my time in starbucks. mainly, i enjoyed the atmosphere there, and did a lot of school work in there, regardless of whether or not i actually bought a drink. normally, i'd have a cup of coffee, a quad espresso and a soy cappucino per day. meal points didn't really seem to me like money, so i didn't care that i was spending over ten dollars a day on java. i do miss the starbucks on campus though, even if it was obscenely crowded, loud and the workers were rather slow. i miss it as i do the rest of stony brook. even the parts i consatntly complained about i miss.

one more month to go.

woo.