creepers

guys are creepy sometimes
i always get random texts, calls, IMs, or messages from guys i've barely spoken to
asking to hang out sometime
and i know that all they're really after is some action

i can't say no, so i always agree
and when the day comes to hang out i make up some excuse as to why i can't

i'm not looking to hook up with these men
nor am i looking for a possible friendship with them

there was a reason we never hung out to begin with
and just because i left for college
and am back for the summer
does not mean i want to see you

all these guys are usually quite lacking in personality
or have personality flaws i am not compatible with


the men in this town do not catch my eye
i'm saving myself for those back at the brook

hating is easier than loving

and being angry is easier than forgiving

i have a right to be angry
and so does he

maybe i'm taking mine too far
letting my anger be directed at him
allows me to heal faster than forgiving him

yet, he doesn't wish to forgive me
so i will not merit him this luxury

hate come easier than love
as anger does to forgiveness

maybe someday this anger will lead to forgiveness
and we'll be able to mend whatever has come between us

though, i think, as usual, i have destroyed all hopes of this

anger anger fury

sometimes people just anger me
they say they forgive you for your faults
your mistakes
then they use both against you
as basis for why they no longer care about you

don't lie, you never cared
never fucking cared
and i thought i didn't either
but once i started to you stopped

couldn't handle me
handle this
i don't know, you wouldn't say
and if i didn't tell you what was going on in my mind you got upset
but then when i did tell you the happenings in my mind
if i told too much it scared you off
and scared you off it did
far far away
even when i believed i managed to tone down myself
to an acceptable rate for you to handle
you eventually fled

after stringing me along for those few weeks
and in these weeks i questioned why i wanted to stay with you

i'm an idealist at heart
i suppose
always believing people will eventually change
and everything will work itself out
i wanted to stay with the idea of who i thought you could be
and you couldn't be him
you couldn't ever be him

i need a man that is there for me
a man to lend a shoulder for me to cry on when i need to
when i enter moments in my life where i lose all sense of hope
i'll recover
i always do
and i need someone who knows i can

you were not that person
i found someone, long ago, who was
he moved, far away
i thought i had gotten over him
and then i saw him again, for only a short amount of time
and remembered what it felt like to be truly cared for

even after feeling this way again
i still wanted to believe i could make us work
but shortly after you ended it
and maybe it was for the best


so you want to be friends
they always want to be friends
you're an awesome person

if i'm so awesome then why'd you leave?

i forgive you for what you did

then why bring it up?

if you really wanted to be friends
then why so bitter towards me?
you don't want to be friends
so stop fucking toying with me

i'm sick of your games
your fucking lies
and you


i know chances are you'll never read this blog
this one won't make it to facebook

you probably don't even care what goes on in my life anymore
even though you assure me you that "you're happy i'm happy"

but i need to get this off my chest
i've been holding it in far too long
and to watch these words
unfold on the screen

let my fingers express
the racing thoughts in my mind
in a way verbal words don't seem to

just liberates me



and if you do happen to come across this entry
this entry was not meant for you

this entry was for me


/end of rant

om nom nom

edamame
edamame
i could live off them
just made myself a plate full of steamed and salted soybeans
they're delicious
i never grow tired of them
i could eat them for breakfast
lunch
dinner
dessert
even when i have the munchies

i practically live off of them on campus
by myself a couple of frozen packs
stick them in the microwave
and voila
a healthy, substantial meal

you should all give edamame a try

california here i come

i have my plane tickets to california
i'm stoked
i needed to get out of this state
leave everything behind, if only for awhile
see what else is out there
explore new surroundings
endure different kinds of people
another lifestyle
party with a new circle of people

besides, california's a beautiful state
i want to observe new and breath taking scenery
dive into the rough waters of the pacific
run along stretches of magnificent beaches
spending hours under the sun
outdoors
taking in all i am able to in the 6 days i'll spend there

after i return
i'll have little less than two weeks left here
then i'll be off to school
i'll be making more trips down to nyc this semester
maybe save up money to make a few trips out to distant cities
save up to spend some time in argentina this winter
maybe cancun for spring break
europe for the summer

i want to travel
to leave all this behind
and see what the world has to offer

le cinema

i am horrible at watching movies
i never pay attention
my mind drifts from one thing to the next
my thoughts keep my brain occupied while my eyes blankly stare into the screen

it takes multiple views of a movie for me to actually catch what it's about
as i'm typing this i am currently on my third watch of mulholland drive
i caught bits and pieces the first few times around
i have the beginning down pretty well
my attention shifted greatly towards the middle and end
which is unfortunate because the film seemed rather intriguing
the parts i did manage to catch a glimpse of did captivate me
yet my mind has been racing
and hasn't been able to settle down on any one thing

concentrate
concentrate

that's all i need to do

vacant

everything gone
my room is bare
drawers are emptied
walls blank
shelves vacant

the floor is visible once again
everything once littered now shoved into tiny dresser spaces

stacks of books stuffed into tiny boxes
to be shipped off to anywhere
no longer here to hold me down

let go of the past
part with those useless trinkets of past lovers
friends
family

make room for new junk
future lovers
friends
family
will give to you

my room is empty
my room is bare
and i look forward to the coming year
in which to fill it with new sentimental possessions
that cover all
from love to hate
from joy to sorrow

then in more year it will all be emptied again
to make room for new memories

clean up

clean up clean up
everybody everywhere
clean up clean up
everybody do your share

tossing out old clothes
ratty shoes
useless artifacts from my past

everything accumulates from the year
building dust in the corners of my room
then, one day, this pile of trivial trinkets threatens to overtake the room

out come the trash bags
extra strength
go through every article i own
every book, shoe, jewelery
paper, artwork, junk
determine what i need
what i'd like to keep
and what i can live without

half my room collected into the garbage
to allow for another year of useless collecting

sick sick sick [in.the.head]

i don't remember a period of time in the past year i haven't been sick
it's always something
every week
a throbbing head
an aching throat
an incessant cough
an unsettled stomach

i rely on advil to cure all of these problems
nothing else works

at the moment
my ears ache
my throat is swollen
my neck is sore
my head is throbbing
and i keep coughing shit up

and i just recovered from a two month long stretch of a sinus infection
i need a miracle drug
or alcohol
drinking helps the pain go away
and makes me forget i'm sick

aw, well
until then advil will do

thin is in

i don't recall a time in my life where i was comfortable with my body
back in elementary school i'd compare my body to the other girls in class
and always felt fat compared to the stick thin girls
while i witnessed all the other girls shoot up and slim down i remained the same
same height, same weight
i always loved the frailty of thin girls
the jagged knees and elbows
the protruding hip and collar bones
i wanted to lose that "bubble butt" my mom always joked i had
i never wanted to grow boobs
never wanted to have larger hips
while some girls longed to have womanly curves i wanted to remain curveless
back in junior year i was on my way to where i longed to be
i noticed a space growing in between my thighs
my hips bones and ribs were exposed in ways they never had been before
my pants size dropped down to almost a 00
and i finally got below the 100 mark

i miss those days
i tell myself everyday that my body is perfect as it is
i weigh the right amount, have all the right curves
yet no matter how much i tell myself this, i never believe the words i say

i want a man like this.
i love feminine men
beautiful hair
flawless complexion
perfect fashion sense
thin bodies
lean muscle
emotional
dramatic
decent makeup-usage

i want a man like this
some others may see him as less than a man
i don't
i wouldn't want my man any other way


can we add artist
poet
artist
dancer
singer
choreographer
actor
writer
editor


to my list
i want a man in the creative field
regardless of what it is


actually i'd love a man that speaks multiple languages
a multi cultural man
with a desire to travel
and experience different cultures
that is that is the perfect man for me



does he exist?

sleep the day away

my first day of four off at work
i spend it sleeping until 12
lounge around the house
stuff my face
and am just leaving the house now to pick up my paycheck

i hate having cramps
on rainy, thunderstorm ridden days
it means i don't leave the house
i spend all day sleeping

at least tomorrow will be better
no rain
beach time
show at night

insert metal

last december i got my first nose piercing
a month later i got my second
after that i wanted more
i wanted more bits of metal stabbed through my skin
i couldn't determine where
a couple of places come to mind
belly button
lip
collar bone
hip bone
ear

maybe i'll get them all
one at a time, however
i have a hard enough time cleaning one piercing
my lifestyle leaves me passing out in the early hours of the morning, still attired in the dress of the previous day
or i find myself sharing my bed, unclothed, clearly not taking my before bed piercing cleaning into consideration

i am shocked my nose piercings didn't become infected
or at the very least irritated

maybe i do have some good luck after all

catch some zzz

after a trying day at work all i could manage to do when returning home was collapse on to my couch
i haven't napped in quite some time
even a week ago, working my 7 to 3 shift, i never once slept during the day
sleeping during the day comes easier to me than sleep at night
once the clock strikes midnight i'm awarded with an extra boost of energy
even when i am exhausted
and lie in bed at 10 o clock
my body refuses to shut down
i'll be curled up in bed
eyes closed
mind racing
for hours at a time
falling asleep four to five hours after i had anticipated
waking up every half or so
until i must roll out of bed and resume my work schedule

the only time i'm able to effectively sleep is after a night spent with my dear friend, merlot
a couple of glasses of that
some oxy
and i'll be out within an hour

excellent sleep too

slave from eight to four

work
work
work
work
8 to 4
monday
to
friday

work. nap. eat. pass out. work. repeat.

too tired to do anything else

sleep away the free time

don't trust the hoe

some people may consider some of my actions promiscuous. i don't consider myself a whore or slut, i simply enjoy sexual contact with other individuals without a close emotional connection needed. sex feels good, even simply making out is enjoyable.
i may hook up with men i haven't known for a long period of time, men i am not even emotionally interested in, but that doesn't make me any less of a woman. it doesn't mean i'm a whore. doesn't make me a bad or horrible person.
i simply think of hooking up as an activity i enjoy engaging in. whether it be with a significant other, a stranger or a close friend.
i look forward to the start of the school year when i'll be able to find new people to have some fun with. maybe find a good man that satisfies both my emotional and sexual needs. until then, i'll sample the men that i do run across, and see what happens from there.

reality

a crutch for those who can't cope with drugs.

drugs bring you to a whole new plane
a place you cannot achieve on your own
another universe
some let you see deeper inside your own inner realm
others allow for an escape

either way, drugs are not necessarily an evil
it all depends on you
and how you deal with them

don't give me that "i can have fun without booze and drugs" bull shit
because i can too
but sometimes i prefer to have fun with them

java time

i'm addicted to starbucks. i can't even enjoy a cup of coffee elsewhere now. dunkin donuts, tim hortons, javapalooza, etc. just don't cut it anymore. starbucks must be slipping crack into their coffee, this is the only explanation behind my addiction to their java. every morning, before work, i must stop by and grab my quad espresso, or i'm in a horrible mood all day. the four shots of espresso do nothing towards giving me energy anymore either, they simply keep the headaches at bay, and my mood in line.
back in high school, i used to make at least four trips to starbucks a day. i've managed to cut it down to just one now. back at college, i spent a majority of my time in starbucks. mainly, i enjoyed the atmosphere there, and did a lot of school work in there, regardless of whether or not i actually bought a drink. normally, i'd have a cup of coffee, a quad espresso and a soy cappucino per day. meal points didn't really seem to me like money, so i didn't care that i was spending over ten dollars a day on java. i do miss the starbucks on campus though, even if it was obscenely crowded, loud and the workers were rather slow. i miss it as i do the rest of stony brook. even the parts i consatntly complained about i miss.

one more month to go.

woo.

rough summer

it's been an interesting summer thus far.
i've gotten a glimpse at family secrets. it's made me want to look further into everything my family's hiding.
i've been working more than i ever have. in a job i've hated the most. with customers that make me want to beat them down with high heeled shoes.
dealt with relationship problems i've never experienced before. never had to deal with being on break, never had to convince someone to continue dating me, never cheated on someone before, never blatantly lied about relationship status, never been broken up with.
gotten over relationship issues quicker than i ever have before.
started realizing it's not all my fault, and began to recognize other people's faults.
once single, realized that i am not as unattractive as i used to think.
never thought many men would find me attractive, this summer has changed that opinion.

my blogging will not be consistent.
will not be complete.
sentences will not be correct or full
there will be many short phrases
broken lines
whatever i feel like writing at the moment

all based on my mind set
my state of mind
and everything going on around me


right now i am okay
i'm better than okay
i am looking forward to new beginnings
new experiences
relarionships
people
places

the future looks bright
in a way it hasn't in awhile