another one of those days ~!~

up
down
up up
down
up
down
nothing

nothing
nothing
nothing

it always ends in nothingness
emptiness

as if my soul has been hollowed
emotions simply carved away

one moment in tears
the next in unexplainable rage
followed again by a bout of tears
brought upon by trivial matters
those same matters once again inciting anger
so on and so forth
until ultimately ending in apathy


a day where i feel myself reverting back to old habits
old thoughts
old behaviors

it's a difficult cycle to break

departed ~!~

he's going to leave
i know it

lately i've been able to see it in his eyes
his voice
distancing himself

i demand too much from him
i'm too much to handle

and the best man in my life is going to leave

it's bullshit ~!~

I don't care how many times he claims that he's thinking about me 9 out of 10 times or that he simply doesn't communicate well, gets distracted, falls asleep easily, I can't bring myself to buy it. If you truly are interested in someone then you will give them your attention. Especially when I've expressed my annoyance with how often he falls asleep on me, how many time he simply forgets he's talking to me etc. If you a.) find someone interesting and b.) know that you frequently ignore them and c.) know they are annoyed that you do one might assume you'd do something to remedy the situation. At the very least at least tell me that you're tired, or tell me that you're busy doing something else. Don't fucking start having a conversation with me and then pass out in the middle of it. If you know you're going to fucking fall asleep, tell me you're going to bed. That's better than the few minutes I continue talking to you as if you're listening, followed by the hour or so I assume you're ignoring me. This is becoming a nightly fucking thing, and I'm getting sick of it. How am I supposed to feel when every time I talk to you you just fall asleep. And tonight you even said you'd stay awake to talk to me, that you'd remain awake until I fell asleep. Well great fucking job you did there. And even when you were awake it was more of a one sided conversation than anything. I'd talk, and you'd be distracted by the TV, or by something else on the internet, not really giving me any bit of your attention. If you really think about me 90% of the time then why can't you spare a portion of it actually communicating with me outside of the occasional text?

i miss those days~!~

i miss those nights turned into mornings
stretching the night out until the sun rose

having people around that couldn't sleep as much as i couldn't

having someone to talk to during the moments where i need to the most
the moments i need to be distracted most

what happened to me?
i'm never out late anymore
always up late
but never out late

and up late, alone
stuck inside, but no one to talk to

driving myself insane
sleepless

sometimes ~!~

sometimes i don't want to be the initiator
the one calling all the steps
guiding the entire process

sometimes i want to be taken by surprise
be the one not in control

sometimes rough
sometime for hours
not always in out and go

sometimes i wish

the same ~!~

and in the end
we are the same


all that bothered me the previous year
all the people you distanced yourself from
the one person you wrapped your life in
the disappearing act you pulled

i can sense myself heading down that road

a month ago ~!~

bring me back to the beginning of february
march just isn't cutting it for me

it's all slipping away

everything feels so distant
everyone

i'm losing myself
and everyone else

i know what i want ~!~

i can vision the life i dream of
the rickety beach dwelling
only feets away from the sea

alone

no tourists
only us
a house
on the shore

beautiful, temperate weather year round
running along the sand
through meadows
forests

not a care in the world
freedom

less insane~!~

nowadays i'm less insane
more in control
with stability
happiness
most days the week

boring

boring

that is what i am

no longer the adventurous spirit
venturing wide and far
to meet new people
encounter new surroundings

i have settled

but why?

upset over others doing the same
and i've fallen victim to the same

same room
same suite
same people every night
same party
same deal

nothing new
no change

something needs to be brought to the table

i cannot remain a state of constant familiarity for long
i need
long for
change

love ~!~

what is love?
not what i thought it

what i used to long for
every night
all night long
no longer

it can come and go
here for long stretches of time
speckled here and there about the week
but i no longer need it
long for it
as a nightly ritual

i've achieved a level beyond that
past the physical
and i'm able to abstain

skipping class ~!~

i really have no excuse to be skipping class this semester
i'm not piss drunk every night like previous semesters
i'm getting to bed earlier than i had last year
lectures are not the same as the book
and they have mandatory attendance

i guess my grades won't be as high as i'd hoped this year

the further along i get in college
the less and less i do

i always assume ~!~

i always make assumptions
and everyone tells me i'm over reacting
thinking things through to much

well, most of the assumptions i've made these past few years have all turned out to be true

i'll go thinking i was wrong for weeks
months
feel upset that i messed everything up
then one day i find out
everything i had thought was happening actually had happened


i'm going to follow my intuition from now on

what i was missing ~!~

you're what i was missing
what i needed all those times before

the answer never came through booze
through drugs
partying
mindless sex
fury

it came through a person

ominous future ~!~

racing thoughts
racing thoughts
racing thoughts

preventing my slumber

visions of the future
the immediate
the long term
the end

an apartment
a car
a job
how will i afford all i need?
how will i survive on my own?

wrinkles
fat
old age taking over
no longer able to continue with my old life
growing old is terrifying
everything i engage in now frowned upon at such an age

the finale
that split second
or those long aching moments
lingering until it all ends

the pain, the agony
or maybe none at all
regardless the way achieving the ultimate end

then after?
nothing
darkness?
the body gone
the mind gone
the soul gone?

simply erased? as if never there
no words left
no thoughts
just nothing

or maybe another chance
opening your eyes in another world
from the eyes of a new person
a new you
to lead a new life

or perhaps the soul does survive past the body
and awaits final judgement
to spend eternity in some various afterlife


these thoughts
always running through my head when i wish they wouldn't
the moments when i long for
need sleep
the most

always preventing it from occurring

as long as i remain awake
active
these thoughts cannot consume me
cannot become real
as long as i keep moving
keep awake
i shall not grow old
i shall not die

at least
it's a temporary belief

you know ~!~

it's like you guys know
whenever i put up a new post
my page views soar through the roof

i'm actually curious has to who bothers reading this blog

the future ~!~

i hate thinking about the future
focusing upon it is not how i've lived my life

i'm a person of the present
impulsive
spontaneous
i don't make plans
i just do

but now i'm reaching a point where i must look to the future
at least for a little while

i need to leave this state
but to achieve this i need to start taking action
i don't need to do much, but i need to start
finding a job first
saving up money
do this until i graduate
then senior year look for housing
roommates

once i have the house
fuck that whole planning thing again
i just need to leave this state

confused ~!~

i like people
but i don't

i hate being alone
and yet i hate being with others

right now i both want to lock myself away
and escape from this prison
mingle with hundreds of new people
and not speak to a single one

different ~!~

ever since i've left we've drifted
we're different

still sheltered
frightened of change
of the unknown
locked away in the familiar

refusing to defy
to rebel
to disobey

i'm no longer like you
being trapped here with your kind destroys me