six six six ~!~

six more days
and i'll get a taste
of a former life
and what could have been

if only for a little while
we'll be as we were

what had been ~!~

forgotten
the good
the bad
the former erased
the latter recalled

the bad
that which destroys
i will be no part of

so fair well
i need nothing of this feeling
not from you

not from anyone

distance ~!~

maximize the distance
psychologically
physically
avoid the impending pain

lies, lies, lies ~!~

i don't know, this just exploded from my mind a couple of minutes ago
enjoy

deceit ~!~

we deceive
or we are deceived
thus we flourish
or perish

trust no one
not even one's self

remain ahead
always prepared
ready to strike

lie, lie, lie
that's all there is to it

lie and be lied to
hurt others whilst they harm you

use others before they can use you

and never, never question why not
or it will be too late
you'll be scarred

that day ~!~

the day is coming
i feel it
time after time
it never fails to arrive

i'm preparing
expecting
waiting'

what will it be
a few days
a couple of weeks

but it will sneak upon me
attempt to catch me off guard
but i won't allow it to

not this time

the only solution is distance
indifference
to become detached
to take the preemptive

i will not become like the others

monsters ~!~

humans need monsters, humans need a god. without either, we would invent them regardless. they are both awful, terrifying, and awe inspiring. embodying our animalistic desires, our malicious intentions and sinister fantasies. a combination of both carnal instinct, and pure human malice. a way of projecting what we fear about ourselves onto a fictional being, in which to take our hatred of ourselves unto. 

solitude ~!~

i've entered a new mode
of life
one of the observer
at least
for now

standing back
watching
examining my fellow men

a recluse
concealing myself from all

locked away
within an indoor realm
unable to be reached by most


who knows how long this phase will last

normally i prefer experience
to observation
but something's changed

by the water ~!~

a life by the water
small strolls to the shore
wading along the coast

ankle deep in the deep blue
listening and watching
waves rolling in
rolling out

powerful, destructive, beautiful

vibrant skies overhead
heat absorbing through my darkened skin
salty mists coating my body

a life of peace
relaxation
and pure beauty

new surroundings ~!~

new people
new location
new atmosphere

tired of this same old
same old

i yearn for change
need change

this place is bringing me down
these people are bringing me down

take me somewhere far away
a place i've never been
and leave me there

until i tire of that
and move on to the next place

should stop trying ~!~

i should stop trying to find things

make things happen

because when ever i look for something

it never happens

whenever i really want something

i only achieve it when i no longer strive for it

when i don't look for anything

when i just go with whatever

all the things i used to want

suddenly become available

and suddenly disappear

the second i want them again

drunken retards ~!~

so, fun
so so much fun
watching belligerently drunken people stumble around
fall down
and slur their speech

i'm actually satisfied without being drunk

the quiet ~!~

i prefer this quiet life

no running around here and there
every night
drinking myself blind
going insane
out of control

just relaxation
and peace
for now

light as air ~!~

weak
faint

lithe

runnin' on empty
body shaking

so frail
so delicate

the world blackens
once and awhile

spinning, ever so slightly


perfect

sun sun mister golden sun ~!~

sunshine
warmth
winds
high speeds

zooming in and out
up and down
winding through people
across bends
flying down hills

i feel reborn
and ready to take on the day

locking myself away ~!~

shut down

communications

hiding away

within myself

just one of those phases

delving into my inner self

away from all else

silence

don't speak to me

i won't listen

can't listen

trapped in my head

my imagination

whirling through thoughts

ideas

fantasies

leave me be for now

i'll return when i wish to

until then

i'm shutting down

don't tell me what to do ~!~

i hate being told what to do
for no explainable reason

i can't read instructions
or even have a person teach me how to do something

there's a part of me that likes to learn things by herself
i like to make mistakes
learn from them
try again
until i get it right


i don't mind making mistakes
i make them all the time
but it's one of the best ways to learn

and that's where experience truly comes fro

so while i know people are only trying to help
when explaining how to do this
or how to do that
i kind of just want to punch them in the face
and tell them to fuck off
and let me figure it out by myself
:)
not really, but it does aggravate me

creation of god ~!~

god did not create humans

we created god

in an effort to bring order

and stability to our world

a way to understand

and comprehend

all that we cannot

and will never be able to

a means of bring hope

to a world of despair

certainty into a life of ambiguity

a way to define ourselves

the manner in which we behave

the rules to guide our morality

a thing to hold on to

when there's nothing else left

excessive

it's becoming excessive
again

must contain myself
constrain myself

less than twelve hundred a day
to achieve double digits

drop down to the double z's
and slide under the one zero zero

trapped

always vigilant

watching

every movement i make

judging

examining

all aspects of life

in charge of

no person freely allowed to enter

to communicate with

tears followed by more

looking for an escape

anything

leave this area

enter the new

only for them to follow

to constrict

forbid

freedom is nowhere

i will never experience it again

and my captors

my own blood

they cannot allow me to live my own life

(one crazy, creepy fucking dream)

party all night and sleep all day ~!~

i'm done with partying everyday

getting trashed every night

blacking out

making bad decisions

going wild

while destroying my body

with the only goals of the night being more booze

more drugs

and more sex

i want an environment in which people can hold a conversation

have an enjoyable time doing drugs, drinking, etc

without the need to get to the point of blacking out

passing out

dancing around

going on adventures

chilling

whatever

just a decent sized group of people

that enjoy each others company

without needing to be intoxicated

alcohol free week

is working out excellently

no bad decisions
no breakdowns

a general air of content

and amazing times
without the need of that poison

tabler kids

those crazy kids
outside smoking them cigarettes
eating their stolen junk food
discussing everything
from sex and drugs
to alligator vaginas and unicycles

all gathered together
around those red and blue
crooked picnic tables
just conversing
and enjoying one another presence
without the need for substances

no need to intoxicate
to trick their mind
into the pleasure
they feel around each others presence

people you know are there
and will always be there
when they are needed

not demanding anything from you in return
aside from yourself

sobriety ~!~

without alcohol for one week

to cleanse my body
and my mind

this poison has taken it's hold of me
but i won't allow it to consume

i'll delve into other realms
experience
experiment
with other sections of my brain

confined ~!~

closed in
everywhere

my own personal prison

freedom?
nowhere

neither home
nor school
nor abroad

always someone
something
holding me back

sometimes myself
sometimes others

but there is always something

amazing day ~!~

basking in the sun
consuming those vibrant rays
with all the joy that came along


a couple of beers at four
and many many more

but not too much
to the point of functionality
and happiness

i am content right now
as is
without having sex tonight

just talking to people
that's all i need
people to talk to
to really talk to

and i found that tonight
and it's made me feel better
than i have in a while

fuck sex
fuck blacking out
fucking getting fucked up (haha)


who needs that?
i just need real people to talk to
converse with
engage, as a human

that's what i want

empty

purification
detoxification
empty

i feel lighter than air
a feeling i missed

how long will i keep this up?
it's been a day already
just a couple more

a break in between
then return

this is the only way i feel like myself
satisfied inside and out


am i killing myself?
yes
but we all are
in our own ways

smile smile smile

i'm smiling
i don't know why
i can't stop

and a laugh escapes me now and then
unprovoked

i feel ecstatic
amazing

almost as if mdma's circling through my system
minus the touch sensations
the energy
and the owl eyes

addicted

nothing else to do at home, except blog
it's a great release too

i forgot why i stopped


i'm usually too busy at school to remember to post
but i think i'll stick to it this time

at least every few days
maybe not everyday


this is keeping me sane though
crazy as my posts may seem

it's like a log of my mental states
this day i felt this way
this day i felt completely different

i can look back
and recognize what triggered what emotion
and work towards understanding myself better


also, it's relieving to get all this shit off my chest
i prefer writing to talking

family ties ~!~

spend the day at my grandmother's today

sitting outside her front yard

with my mom, sisters, cousins and their children

it felt nice

strangely

even though we weren't doing much

it felt like i had a family

a close family

where we're able to just enjoy being in each other's company

without having to really do anything

and it was only a small fraction of my actual family

i rarely see any of them

and when i do, it's never in a giant gathering

i liked the feeling of being together

i didn't even mind the children

those wild little rascals

of course, the men were missing from the picture

my father

my cousins' husbands

my papa came out for a little while though

the men in my family seem to hide in the background

the affines, anyways

i rarely see my uncles

and all of my aunt's boyfriends, baby's daddies i've never even met

we're a woman dominated family

human behavior ~!~

reading a fascinating book on human behavior

for my culture and persoanlity class

it's amazing how nature and nurture

are both intrinsic to our being

and they combine in such a beautiful way

to create our essence

under certain circumstance genetics may triumph

our biological and chemical make up

under others our experiences

our environment

neither one defines us completely

they are both influential on our lives

we must work to find which balance is working towards our ownself

indoor skating ~!~

went to the indoor skating ring today with my little sister

it's been awhile since i last skated

how i miss it so

weaving in and out of people

top speed

creating my own wind

exhilaration

adrenaline

velocity

grace

all mixed into one

inline skating

resembles my other love

dance

a dance in motion

heading towards a destination

gracefully swerving side to side

in and out

spinning round and round

a step back into the past

triggers abound

recalling days of the past

back at home

when i was younger

not by much but significantly so

days revolving around restriction

sacrifice

discipline

and increasing satisfaction with myself

memories of these days

will revert me back to old habits

bad habits

ones that, oddly, kept me sane

kept my mind off the problem at hand

and focused on a sub-problem

one easily fixed

with attainable goals

sure to bring me some measure of joy for the time being

with a goal to rid me of my current

a goal to erase my current mind state

and replace it with one it's more familiar with

i'm an amazing girl ~!~

but only to men that have already found their perfect girl

i'm there for when she's not

when she leaves i'm the girl they turn to

but the second she returns, i'm tossed aside

always to remain for when she disappears again

if i'm so amazing, then why am i never that perfect girl?