creepers

guys are creepy sometimes
i always get random texts, calls, IMs, or messages from guys i've barely spoken to
asking to hang out sometime
and i know that all they're really after is some action

i can't say no, so i always agree
and when the day comes to hang out i make up some excuse as to why i can't

i'm not looking to hook up with these men
nor am i looking for a possible friendship with them

there was a reason we never hung out to begin with
and just because i left for college
and am back for the summer
does not mean i want to see you

all these guys are usually quite lacking in personality
or have personality flaws i am not compatible with


the men in this town do not catch my eye
i'm saving myself for those back at the brook

hating is easier than loving

and being angry is easier than forgiving

i have a right to be angry
and so does he

maybe i'm taking mine too far
letting my anger be directed at him
allows me to heal faster than forgiving him

yet, he doesn't wish to forgive me
so i will not merit him this luxury

hate come easier than love
as anger does to forgiveness

maybe someday this anger will lead to forgiveness
and we'll be able to mend whatever has come between us

though, i think, as usual, i have destroyed all hopes of this

anger anger fury

sometimes people just anger me
they say they forgive you for your faults
your mistakes
then they use both against you
as basis for why they no longer care about you

don't lie, you never cared
never fucking cared
and i thought i didn't either
but once i started to you stopped

couldn't handle me
handle this
i don't know, you wouldn't say
and if i didn't tell you what was going on in my mind you got upset
but then when i did tell you the happenings in my mind
if i told too much it scared you off
and scared you off it did
far far away
even when i believed i managed to tone down myself
to an acceptable rate for you to handle
you eventually fled

after stringing me along for those few weeks
and in these weeks i questioned why i wanted to stay with you

i'm an idealist at heart
i suppose
always believing people will eventually change
and everything will work itself out
i wanted to stay with the idea of who i thought you could be
and you couldn't be him
you couldn't ever be him

i need a man that is there for me
a man to lend a shoulder for me to cry on when i need to
when i enter moments in my life where i lose all sense of hope
i'll recover
i always do
and i need someone who knows i can

you were not that person
i found someone, long ago, who was
he moved, far away
i thought i had gotten over him
and then i saw him again, for only a short amount of time
and remembered what it felt like to be truly cared for

even after feeling this way again
i still wanted to believe i could make us work
but shortly after you ended it
and maybe it was for the best


so you want to be friends
they always want to be friends
you're an awesome person

if i'm so awesome then why'd you leave?

i forgive you for what you did

then why bring it up?

if you really wanted to be friends
then why so bitter towards me?
you don't want to be friends
so stop fucking toying with me

i'm sick of your games
your fucking lies
and you


i know chances are you'll never read this blog
this one won't make it to facebook

you probably don't even care what goes on in my life anymore
even though you assure me you that "you're happy i'm happy"

but i need to get this off my chest
i've been holding it in far too long
and to watch these words
unfold on the screen

let my fingers express
the racing thoughts in my mind
in a way verbal words don't seem to

just liberates me



and if you do happen to come across this entry
this entry was not meant for you

this entry was for me


/end of rant

om nom nom

edamame
edamame
i could live off them
just made myself a plate full of steamed and salted soybeans
they're delicious
i never grow tired of them
i could eat them for breakfast
lunch
dinner
dessert
even when i have the munchies

i practically live off of them on campus
by myself a couple of frozen packs
stick them in the microwave
and voila
a healthy, substantial meal

you should all give edamame a try

california here i come

i have my plane tickets to california
i'm stoked
i needed to get out of this state
leave everything behind, if only for awhile
see what else is out there
explore new surroundings
endure different kinds of people
another lifestyle
party with a new circle of people

besides, california's a beautiful state
i want to observe new and breath taking scenery
dive into the rough waters of the pacific
run along stretches of magnificent beaches
spending hours under the sun
outdoors
taking in all i am able to in the 6 days i'll spend there

after i return
i'll have little less than two weeks left here
then i'll be off to school
i'll be making more trips down to nyc this semester
maybe save up money to make a few trips out to distant cities
save up to spend some time in argentina this winter
maybe cancun for spring break
europe for the summer

i want to travel
to leave all this behind
and see what the world has to offer

le cinema

i am horrible at watching movies
i never pay attention
my mind drifts from one thing to the next
my thoughts keep my brain occupied while my eyes blankly stare into the screen

it takes multiple views of a movie for me to actually catch what it's about
as i'm typing this i am currently on my third watch of mulholland drive
i caught bits and pieces the first few times around
i have the beginning down pretty well
my attention shifted greatly towards the middle and end
which is unfortunate because the film seemed rather intriguing
the parts i did manage to catch a glimpse of did captivate me
yet my mind has been racing
and hasn't been able to settle down on any one thing

concentrate
concentrate

that's all i need to do

vacant

everything gone
my room is bare
drawers are emptied
walls blank
shelves vacant

the floor is visible once again
everything once littered now shoved into tiny dresser spaces

stacks of books stuffed into tiny boxes
to be shipped off to anywhere
no longer here to hold me down

let go of the past
part with those useless trinkets of past lovers
friends
family

make room for new junk
future lovers
friends
family
will give to you

my room is empty
my room is bare
and i look forward to the coming year
in which to fill it with new sentimental possessions
that cover all
from love to hate
from joy to sorrow

then in more year it will all be emptied again
to make room for new memories

clean up

clean up clean up
everybody everywhere
clean up clean up
everybody do your share

tossing out old clothes
ratty shoes
useless artifacts from my past

everything accumulates from the year
building dust in the corners of my room
then, one day, this pile of trivial trinkets threatens to overtake the room

out come the trash bags
extra strength
go through every article i own
every book, shoe, jewelery
paper, artwork, junk
determine what i need
what i'd like to keep
and what i can live without

half my room collected into the garbage
to allow for another year of useless collecting

sick sick sick [in.the.head]

i don't remember a period of time in the past year i haven't been sick
it's always something
every week
a throbbing head
an aching throat
an incessant cough
an unsettled stomach

i rely on advil to cure all of these problems
nothing else works

at the moment
my ears ache
my throat is swollen
my neck is sore
my head is throbbing
and i keep coughing shit up

and i just recovered from a two month long stretch of a sinus infection
i need a miracle drug
or alcohol
drinking helps the pain go away
and makes me forget i'm sick

aw, well
until then advil will do

thin is in

i don't recall a time in my life where i was comfortable with my body
back in elementary school i'd compare my body to the other girls in class
and always felt fat compared to the stick thin girls
while i witnessed all the other girls shoot up and slim down i remained the same
same height, same weight
i always loved the frailty of thin girls
the jagged knees and elbows
the protruding hip and collar bones
i wanted to lose that "bubble butt" my mom always joked i had
i never wanted to grow boobs
never wanted to have larger hips
while some girls longed to have womanly curves i wanted to remain curveless
back in junior year i was on my way to where i longed to be
i noticed a space growing in between my thighs
my hips bones and ribs were exposed in ways they never had been before
my pants size dropped down to almost a 00
and i finally got below the 100 mark

i miss those days
i tell myself everyday that my body is perfect as it is
i weigh the right amount, have all the right curves
yet no matter how much i tell myself this, i never believe the words i say