i miss those days~!~

i miss those nights turned into mornings
stretching the night out until the sun rose

having people around that couldn't sleep as much as i couldn't

having someone to talk to during the moments where i need to the most
the moments i need to be distracted most

what happened to me?
i'm never out late anymore
always up late
but never out late

and up late, alone
stuck inside, but no one to talk to

driving myself insane
sleepless

sometimes ~!~

sometimes i don't want to be the initiator
the one calling all the steps
guiding the entire process

sometimes i want to be taken by surprise
be the one not in control

sometimes rough
sometime for hours
not always in out and go

sometimes i wish

the same ~!~

and in the end
we are the same


all that bothered me the previous year
all the people you distanced yourself from
the one person you wrapped your life in
the disappearing act you pulled

i can sense myself heading down that road

a month ago ~!~

bring me back to the beginning of february
march just isn't cutting it for me

it's all slipping away

everything feels so distant
everyone

i'm losing myself
and everyone else

i know what i want ~!~

i can vision the life i dream of
the rickety beach dwelling
only feets away from the sea

alone

no tourists
only us
a house
on the shore

beautiful, temperate weather year round
running along the sand
through meadows
forests

not a care in the world
freedom

less insane~!~

nowadays i'm less insane
more in control
with stability
happiness
most days the week

boring

boring

that is what i am

no longer the adventurous spirit
venturing wide and far
to meet new people
encounter new surroundings

i have settled

but why?

upset over others doing the same
and i've fallen victim to the same

same room
same suite
same people every night
same party
same deal

nothing new
no change

something needs to be brought to the table

i cannot remain a state of constant familiarity for long
i need
long for
change

love ~!~

what is love?
not what i thought it

what i used to long for
every night
all night long
no longer

it can come and go
here for long stretches of time
speckled here and there about the week
but i no longer need it
long for it
as a nightly ritual

i've achieved a level beyond that
past the physical
and i'm able to abstain