school work ~?~

i've forgotten what it feels like to be a productive student
i cannot even bring myself to attend class

accomplish my readings on time

study for exams

put forth any effort towards anything class related

it all began in high school

when i discovered i could get by by doing almost nothing

and simply got worse in college

when the realization that i could do even less dawned on me

those classes are began skipping freshman year grew

and once you head down that path there is no recovering

i grew accustomed to staying out all night

accomplishing minimal school work during the afternoon

and never, never attending class

i feel that this is something i should fix

and yet every night i tell myself i will attend class the next day

the morning comes, but i never reach the classroom

the other night ~!~

made me recognize how lucky i am to be alive
how many stupid decisions my friends and i make on a weekly basis

there has been one too many nights where i woke up the next morning wondering how i was still there?


is this a sign that i'm not meant to leave this earth young?
or will my luck run out soon?

one of those days ~!~

where i love myself
accept myself
generally feel hopeful about the future
and simply enjoy the small things in life

tonight will be an excellent night
of that i am sure

the wrong men ~!~

i have a knack for going after the wrong men
whether they demand too much from me
want less than i do
are too broken, destroyed to be there
or are already taken
i find every sort of man that is not right for me

hopefully soon i'll find one where things will actually work out

hate being alone ~!~

i despise being alone
sleeping alone

i long for someone to cuddle with nightly
to snuggle up and just talk to for hours

it's been awhile since i've had that
and i feel this immense desire for company
is clouding my judgement

influencing me to use others to rid myself of this prolonged loneliness

i haven't changed ~!~

my views of relationships
sleeping around
dating
have changed significantly since last year

and yet, i am not acting on these changed thoughts

i am continuing on as i have been for the past three years

i don't wish to

but i've forgotten how to go about this any other way

dead to all ~!~

you're dead to the world
and i am not the only one to notice

you only allow those few in nowadays
and apparently i don't constitute as one of those

you're dead to the world
to all of your friends
and dead to me

jealous ~!~

i cannot help but be envious of her
you two have grown closer than you and i have
and yet we have more history
have known each other longer

it seems that after all the hard times we had
the rough nights
the anger, the upsetness
you distanced yourself nearly entirely
and consumed the time once spent with me with her

if you don't want to hang out with me
and would rather engulf your time with her than go right ahead
you don't deserve my time anyways

what's happening ~!~

i can't even bring myself to be mad right now
i feel so good
so happy
like myself again

this weekend was what i needed
even with all the bailouts by flaky friends couldn't bring me down
the people i was with was all i needed