cat cat cat ~!~

i really
really
really
want a cat

a cute little fuzzball
to cuddle with at night
and play around with during the day

and watch do cute kitty things

new horizons ~!`

well, i might as well take this time
to shift my focus from one to another

time to play the field
see what else the world has to offer
and enjoy myself guilt free

besides, i don't belong to you
or to him
or anyone
i'm free to do as i want
as are you

one person ~!~

you know when you write those blogs
dedicated to one person

not ever one
multiple entries
weekly
daily

and you realize they never read them?
have no idea what you're thinking
the way your mind is working

how distressed
upset
you actually are

wish you had the guts
the nerve
to tell them what's really going on

and they don't respond
they never do

or when they do
they misinterpret the situation
play it off as something unimportant?
make a joke out of it


a cry for help
and they don't even catch on


my entire summer
but what does it matter?
they haven't caught on yet
they never will
never
will


play it off as a fucking joke
as a light hearted haha
i'm just messing with you


well i'm not
i never was
i opened up
so play it off as one of those
you're taking things to seriously times
and don't listen to what i have to say


i just want someone to talk to
and i can't

winter of 2012 ~!~

if the world ends in 2012
at least i started the last year on earth
in argentina

i've been longing to visit south america
ever since i was a child

i'd rather explore the rain forests
of the south
before ever setting foot
upon european soil

exotic
mysterious
beautiful

first stop, argentina
winter of 2012
i'll take it from there

where to next?
the cloud forests of chile?
a trek through the atacama desert
an adventure through the amazon

a year and a half more to go
and already i cannot stop thinking about it

empty ~!~

don't let what you wish for at the moment
ruin your goals for the future

one thought
above all else
preoccupies my mind at the moment

the pain
i'll be enduring
physically and mentally
these next few months
will all be worth it
in the end

it succeeded back then
it will succeed now

structure ~!~

  fuck        structure
      planahead
                      plan a    head
     my ass
chaos
        spon
tanity

live a
        l
         i
          t
            t
              l
               e
  livealot
                each daysyour  l  a  s  t
        as they
s    a     y

don't
                  focus
                 on
                               the
       past
live in themoment
     the pre
               sent

    the       reality
        only
that exists
                  is
                      the
               here
        and
     n
  o
w

fuckstructure

       color in
             the _____'s
    ?
color
    |
    | outside
    | the
    | fuckin'
    | lines

distract ~!~

distract
distract
distract

i feel as if it's all i've been doing lately
distracting myself from my thoughts
the ones that keep me up all hours of the night
the ones that make me question myself
those around me
this world

distract
distract
distract

how much longer can i keep this up?

the past ~!~

looking into the past
i've realized
the girl i was
is no longer the girl i am

the girl from years ago
is different
almost entirely different
from who i am now


shamed by mistakes from the past
angered at the decisions made
perplexed by past thought processes

that girl from the past
is not, could not have been me

and yet there is still some connection
to this girl
that allows me to realize i was her
even if it seems impossible
for a person to change that much

dreaming ~!~

maybe when we go to sleep
we're actually waking up

what if dreams are our reality?
everytime we enter them
memories of past experiences in this realm
could return to us

just as when we return to our conscious state
we remember what happened yesterday
the day before
five years ago


two seperate worlds
in which one soul can live


who decides which is real?

inadequate ~!~

inadequate

that's the word

i feel
inadequate

almost there
but not quite

never quite enough

jkdajkdsa ~!~

i feel as if my head is exploding
imploding
simultaneously

mangled emotions
without words to describe

simply sensations
urges
actions
with no why

the need to cry
to scream
to destroy
to lose control


yet nothing to accompany these actions
to precede
nor follow them

sobriety is not overrated ~!~

this break from my usual college routine is doing my body, and my mind, great. those constant mood changes from a couple months back are almost completely gone.
i feel stabilized,
almost.
in control.

losing control, every now and then, can be a good thing.
losing control every night and every day only destroyed me.

disrupted my ability to function
to manage my emotions
my relationships
to focus on what i truly care about

sobriety is not a bad thing
nor is inebriation
but life needs a mixture of both


this summer has shown me i can have fun without alcohol
with drugs
without a party every night

au naturale ~!~

it's been a couple months
since i've worn make-up on a daily basis

over time i've realized
that caking it all on
eye liner
shadow
mascara
simply took away from my face

there's something about that fresh
out of bed
into the shower
out of the shower
out the door look
that suits me better


or maybe i'm just lazy




am i starting to accept myself?
small steps
small steps

i wonder if anyone reads this ~!~

probably not
this is basically just my person diary
in electronic form

with much easier access to view


kind of boring
really

too long ~!~

it's been too long

weeks

grew accustomed to twice a week
suddenly dwindled to twice a summer?

fuck this shit

i'm going crazy

no title ~!~

i've never liked titles

to songs
to movies
to blog entries

no real reason why
i simply don't
(besides i can never remember them)


i do understand their use
and ability to make things less complicated
and easier to explain
and what have you



but


i still hate dislike them
(greatly)

comparison ~!~

summer time
-sumr
_________
me time

parties
alcohol
drugs
schoolwork

my focus lies elsewhere

shifts to an inner world
body
peace and
mind

strengthen
dwindle
perfect

tranquility
meditation

stablize
expand
discover


two months remain
to achieve peace of mind
and progress towards
aesthetic perfection

the old days ~!~

restrict
reduce
exert
control

w
a
n
e

to

perfection

under control ~?~

one moment the intensity rises
resurfaces
and i'm able to
bury it beneath
as quickly is it came

no longer must i endure
these prolonged extremes
rising up and down
up and down
endlessly

home sweet home ~!~

if home is where the heart lies
than my home lies away from here

all figured out ~!~

The problem isn't this state
The problem is the people

relate ~!~

i need to surround myself
with people who share similar thought processes

people who like to do
not observe

who live in the moment
focus on the present
and don't emerse themselves in the past
or lose themselves in the future

people with a sense of spontanity
adventure
defiance
independence
fearlessness


those not afraid to break free
and dive head first into the world

let down ~!~

these constant let downs are affecting me less and less
and occuring with more frequency than before

i'm getting to the point where i just don't care
there'll be other plans i can make
just not with the people i wanted

release ~!~

breathe in
breathe out
focus

extend further
create tension
release
relax

soothe

escape this place
and enter another