another one of those days ~!~

up
down
up up
down
up
down
nothing

nothing
nothing
nothing

it always ends in nothingness
emptiness

as if my soul has been hollowed
emotions simply carved away

one moment in tears
the next in unexplainable rage
followed again by a bout of tears
brought upon by trivial matters
those same matters once again inciting anger
so on and so forth
until ultimately ending in apathy


a day where i feel myself reverting back to old habits
old thoughts
old behaviors

it's a difficult cycle to break

departed ~!~

he's going to leave
i know it

lately i've been able to see it in his eyes
his voice
distancing himself

i demand too much from him
i'm too much to handle

and the best man in my life is going to leave

it's bullshit ~!~

I don't care how many times he claims that he's thinking about me 9 out of 10 times or that he simply doesn't communicate well, gets distracted, falls asleep easily, I can't bring myself to buy it. If you truly are interested in someone then you will give them your attention. Especially when I've expressed my annoyance with how often he falls asleep on me, how many time he simply forgets he's talking to me etc. If you a.) find someone interesting and b.) know that you frequently ignore them and c.) know they are annoyed that you do one might assume you'd do something to remedy the situation. At the very least at least tell me that you're tired, or tell me that you're busy doing something else. Don't fucking start having a conversation with me and then pass out in the middle of it. If you know you're going to fucking fall asleep, tell me you're going to bed. That's better than the few minutes I continue talking to you as if you're listening, followed by the hour or so I assume you're ignoring me. This is becoming a nightly fucking thing, and I'm getting sick of it. How am I supposed to feel when every time I talk to you you just fall asleep. And tonight you even said you'd stay awake to talk to me, that you'd remain awake until I fell asleep. Well great fucking job you did there. And even when you were awake it was more of a one sided conversation than anything. I'd talk, and you'd be distracted by the TV, or by something else on the internet, not really giving me any bit of your attention. If you really think about me 90% of the time then why can't you spare a portion of it actually communicating with me outside of the occasional text?

i miss those days~!~

i miss those nights turned into mornings
stretching the night out until the sun rose

having people around that couldn't sleep as much as i couldn't

having someone to talk to during the moments where i need to the most
the moments i need to be distracted most

what happened to me?
i'm never out late anymore
always up late
but never out late

and up late, alone
stuck inside, but no one to talk to

driving myself insane
sleepless

sometimes ~!~

sometimes i don't want to be the initiator
the one calling all the steps
guiding the entire process

sometimes i want to be taken by surprise
be the one not in control

sometimes rough
sometime for hours
not always in out and go

sometimes i wish

the same ~!~

and in the end
we are the same


all that bothered me the previous year
all the people you distanced yourself from
the one person you wrapped your life in
the disappearing act you pulled

i can sense myself heading down that road

a month ago ~!~

bring me back to the beginning of february
march just isn't cutting it for me

it's all slipping away

everything feels so distant
everyone

i'm losing myself
and everyone else