what i was missing ~!~

you're what i was missing
what i needed all those times before

the answer never came through booze
through drugs
partying
mindless sex
fury

it came through a person

ominous future ~!~

racing thoughts
racing thoughts
racing thoughts

preventing my slumber

visions of the future
the immediate
the long term
the end

an apartment
a car
a job
how will i afford all i need?
how will i survive on my own?

wrinkles
fat
old age taking over
no longer able to continue with my old life
growing old is terrifying
everything i engage in now frowned upon at such an age

the finale
that split second
or those long aching moments
lingering until it all ends

the pain, the agony
or maybe none at all
regardless the way achieving the ultimate end

then after?
nothing
darkness?
the body gone
the mind gone
the soul gone?

simply erased? as if never there
no words left
no thoughts
just nothing

or maybe another chance
opening your eyes in another world
from the eyes of a new person
a new you
to lead a new life

or perhaps the soul does survive past the body
and awaits final judgement
to spend eternity in some various afterlife


these thoughts
always running through my head when i wish they wouldn't
the moments when i long for
need sleep
the most

always preventing it from occurring

as long as i remain awake
active
these thoughts cannot consume me
cannot become real
as long as i keep moving
keep awake
i shall not grow old
i shall not die

at least
it's a temporary belief

you know ~!~

it's like you guys know
whenever i put up a new post
my page views soar through the roof

i'm actually curious has to who bothers reading this blog

the future ~!~

i hate thinking about the future
focusing upon it is not how i've lived my life

i'm a person of the present
impulsive
spontaneous
i don't make plans
i just do

but now i'm reaching a point where i must look to the future
at least for a little while

i need to leave this state
but to achieve this i need to start taking action
i don't need to do much, but i need to start
finding a job first
saving up money
do this until i graduate
then senior year look for housing
roommates

once i have the house
fuck that whole planning thing again
i just need to leave this state

confused ~!~

i like people
but i don't

i hate being alone
and yet i hate being with others

right now i both want to lock myself away
and escape from this prison
mingle with hundreds of new people
and not speak to a single one

different ~!~

ever since i've left we've drifted
we're different

still sheltered
frightened of change
of the unknown
locked away in the familiar

refusing to defy
to rebel
to disobey

i'm no longer like you
being trapped here with your kind destroys me