scared off ~!~

you weren't scared away

when the rest were

same old same old ~!~

i thought maybe this winter would be different
maybe people had grown up
gotten over their fears of leaving
of being adventurous
taking chances, taking risks
living

but i was wrong
they all remain homebodies
to frightened to venture out into the world
terrified to bend the rules
to have one night in a place unfamiliar
with plans not entirely formulated

too scared to truly live

the future ~!~

sometimes i look into the future
and see hope
excitement
everything working out
working itself out
things progressing
improving

then other days the views bleak
everything slowly disintegrating
one
by
one
the result: solitude
all that is right at this moment
somehow collapsing

gone

then the sun rises
and the future once again seems promising

another sleepless night ~!~

there's always this issue
this one issue
i face every time i return home

the inability to fall asleep

watching the daily sunrise
mind racing
restless sleep when it occurs

there's something in this house
which will not allow me to sleep

it's always been here
ever since i was younger

my sleep was bad at school
it;s much worse here

six weeks ~!~

and so the six dullest weeks of the year arrive
winter break

back to the homeland
with late night television sessions
no car
little chance to escape
no money, no job
little adventures
people that refuse to leave their houses
people that refuse to bend the rules

back to the land where no one wishes to do anything
aside from stay home and obey

away from all the people i wish i could spend the break with

satisfaction ~!~

finally and truly happy
content
satisfied
ecstatic
about life, and the state of things within my own

memories of the bad times of the start of this year
disappearing
swifter by the day

just how the memories of the previous semester vanished

images to go with the recollection unable to be brought to mind

details fading

emotions fading

ready to suppressed

replaced

with the better memories that will be occurring

but along with the bad 

the good are also fading

at a slower rate, but they will go soon enough

only to remain at the back of my mind

as vague recollections occasionally able to be brought into my mind

sleep paralysis ~!~

the mind starts to drift to sleep
the world is getting fuzzy, dulled
the mind is in transition to the dream world
then mid journey simply halts

left in a daze the body is unable to move
eyes refuse to open
a scream cannot escape the mouth

a terrifying couple minutes pass
paralysed in fear unable to utter even a cry

then suddenly the body jolts awake
muscles begin to work
eyes bolt open

after a brief period of recovery the sleep process resumes
and the cycle continues
drift to sleep
paralysis
fear
awake
sleep
paralysis
fear
awake

cycles ~!~

looking to the past
new faces every few months
a couple remain the same
while some only appear every now and then

different groups
different connections
on different levels

people come, people go
those that stay are who matter most

that time of year again ~!~

spent half the money i have buying christmas presents

the only time of year i spend money on such things
and it's not even for myself

there's some satisfaction i achieve from giving to others
i actually enjoy picking out presents for other people
which is strange, because i normally hate shopping
and spending money

oh well
bitches better like yo presents

nothing ~!~

you are nothing
to me
to my present
my past
my future

erasing all memories of what once was
it meant nothing
was nothing
in essence, it was all a lie

what we have now means absolutely nothing
using you for monetary values at this point
you're opinion on my life
on me
is unimportant
your contribution to life
conversational
physical
friendship wise
is no longer there
you are a means to an end
and that ends is a salary

i think i may have found someone who fulfills your niche
but in doing so actually completes his job
and does not merely pretend he has done such
simply put an an act that deems so
but actually, truly does as he says

problem ~!~

i have a problem
i have a serious problem

okay
not really
not life threatening

though everyone may believe it to be such

this habit of mine
in which i'm able to go through with everytime i'm alone

it will leave me with scars
and memories of these nights
but never anything that will actually maim me in a serious manner


i need to stop
but i don't now how


and when anyone else notices it becomes a huge deal
and yet it is not

not at all

people exhibit this behavior in a variety of ways
and yet mine is one of the most frowned upon
the most "there is something wrong with you"

but that is incorrect
there may be things wrong with me
but no worse than anyone else out there


so fuck you if you wish you wish to judge the ways in which i deal with my issues

i'm doing what i understand
and work with best

alone ~!~

it's when i'm alone everything falls apart
regret

regret for tomorrow

for days to come

destruction

to no one else but myself

only alone

never with strangers

friends

the person who bothered to stick around

i'm dangerous when i'm alone

the one thing i hate most